Bitter Farewell

This is my blog. I am allowed to do as I wish. I will be taking a brief recess from being the cool, polished, 'normal' individual and become something that I often am not: a hurt female. Please be aware that you have been warned. Thank you.

Dear You:

Circumstances in life are so malicious. We often have to go through difficult times in order to see what we are capable of. I really thought most of my character had been built when I left the Valley. Apparently I was wrong. At that time, I had no faith in the human race; I was perfectly comfortable living in my private shell. But I knew something was missing: a connection to another person. Then you came into my life.

The way I met you was not something very common. I was kinda ashamed of how that came to be, but after conversing with you and realizing all the things that we had in common, I could not have been more thankful for the method in which we met. I seriously thought I was the luckiest woman in the world. I couldn't even finish counting my blessings at having had you waltz into my life. I didn't know then that I was so wrong.

I've already sung your praises. But, you see, that was when I was under the impression that I knew you. Can you believe, I stupidly thought that I had a very good idea of what kind of person you were. You have shown me recently, that I was oh so, so blind as to who you really are.

I thought you were: a witty, smart, sincere, gentle, kind-hearted, strong, mature, and funny man. This is who I found you to be: an insecure, manipulative, cold-hearted, arrogant, narcissistic, sarcastic, confused, and slimy creature who can hardly be classified as human. How I could've been so mistaken, I dunno. I know it doesn't speak well of me, but then again, I've never been one to screw people over for the sake of my own selfish needs. When you were teaching those classes, I guess I was out sick. Very lucky for me.

My heart actually felt warmth when it came to you. Now all I find is that the thought of you leaves me with a dirty feeling. The thing that's even harder to understand is that in your eyes, you never did anything wrong. Of course you'll stick to the whole 'I never did it on purpose'. Yeah, sure, go ahead and tell yourself that. I know otherwise.

It's the end. The end of what once was and what never will be. It's okay. I ain't gonna wither away. I've been through worse and I'm stronger than this. I don't wish you anything bad, but I don't wish you the best either. People like you exist for a reason. You're reminders that one should never let their guard down, no matter how sweet or charming the person might seem to be.

I really feel bad for you; for what you went through and what you've become. I'm sorry to say that there is such a thing as karma and it does tend to visit at the most awkward of times. A person like you will never really know happiness; at least not until you change. But change might be a challenge for you. Oh well, that's so not my problem.

Good riddance. I don't need a person like you in my life. Even having you around as a friend would be unnecessary. What kind of a friend are you capable of being? Not anyone I'd ever be able to depend on, that's for sure. So go on, head down whatever aisle you see fit for you. I'll make sure that our paths never cross again. Once was more than enough.

Always,
Me

P.S. You should really congratulate me on how I never resorted to curse words. Believe me, it was incredibly hard, but I'm better than that. Yay for me.

In My Life

Life went back to being chaotic and a bit stressful recently. I guess it's some kinda cycle I'm in. I'm optimistic that it'll run its course pretty soon. I just might be taking a small break from the blogging for a lil while; partly because I can't really form a cohesive thought and partly because I don't have material. For now, I'll leave you with a lil diddy from my all-time favorite boy band....no one else can best capture what it is that I'm feeling (and I just recently learned how to post videos...yay!).

Kid Games

I'm a person who embraces the simplicity of life. Whereas years ago, my weekends would be spent partying it up through the streets of Laredo,  now I spend my weekends at my dad's. This is the scene: he's making the carñe asada, my brothers and I are sitting outside my grandma's house listening to the 60s hits on his Sirius radio, and the whole time is spent catching up with the now and remembering the then.

Recently, la barrita escondida came up. It's a game we used to play on my grandma's porch. It was like the hot/cold game except we were searching for la barrita. My father would pick a stick off of any near-by tree, tear off all its leaves and tell us that we were going to be looking for this specific stick. He'd hide it and then we'd take off in search of it. Our only guidance would be him telling us whether we were hot or cold. It was an extremely simple game, but we'd spend hours looking for la barrita. What I remember the most was the excitement and the laughter in the air.

 Back in the day, the luxuries we were afforded were the opportunity to have Pizza Hut every other Friday while sitting down to watch the cartoon specials with the family. Oh well...the times, they are a-changin' ...but not always for the best.

Let Them Eat Cake!

When we were kids, for every single birthday, my parents would buy us a cake made especially for us from Cakeland or Holloway's bakery. It didn't matter if we didn't have a piñata, a party, other family members around, or what day of the week it was...it was a given that the cake would be there. Sometimes they would have our favorite cartoons characters, sometimes they'd just have our names, but they were cakes ordered just cuz we were a year older. This tradition lasted till I was about twenty-two.

It's funny how simple gestures like that went unnoticed but recently looking back at all the pictures of birthdays being celebrated with those special cakes, it makes me appreciate just how amazing my parents were/are. As an adult, I realize how much those cakes cost and they paid a pretty penny. Four birthdays a year for about twenty-two years, now that's dedication.





the terrible twos...get a load of those cheeks! no cambia nada.....



Late Night Love

Last night, I was talking to a friend while he was driving home and he asked me whether I remembered a radio show called the Late Night Love show. I started cracking up as memories of those nights, when I was in middle/high school, started to flood in.

I remember that radio show back when 98.1FM was still Energy 98.1. I'd tune in every night listening to hear all the endearing dedications of love. I'd anxiously wait to hear the ones that were directed at me...I can tell you there weren't many, or any at all for that matter. I'd still be there, listening to "I just wanted to tell Steven that I love him a lot and that I'm sorry for what I did" or "I just wanted to tell my ruka that I love her a lot and that I'm super happy with her". No matter what the content of the message, the sheer gesture of calling in was fascinating to me. The advice portion of the show was also priceless.

At work, I asked a friend whether she'd listen to that show. She started laughing and said that she'd also listen in, queriendo cortarse las venas con una oja de lechuga. I'm glad I wasn't the only one 'suffering'.

I never did call in. I had a lil bit too much pride to actually go as far as going on air and declaring my love for a guy. I called the radio station once to request Erasure's, Always. Now, every time I hear that song, I'm transported back to those innocent nights, where I'd lay next to my radio and dream about the time I'd get an on air dedication....aaaah to be naive again.

Buenas!!!!!

Loteria is a family fav. We hadn't played the game in a long time but tonight's event was held at my mom's house. My brothers, sisters-in-law, mom, her husband, grandma, aunt, cousins, and myself all sat down for some serious competition. I mean, there's just no kidding when it comes to dinero. Each card was a dime and the posito was a quarter. Of course, everyone's main goal is to win the posito.

pennies are only good for putting on cards...they're not accepted as payments

Cuando estava dando las cartas, everyone was busy concentrating. Once the game was over, the laughter and jokes would erupt. Having so many comedians in the family, there's never a dull moment. It was even better when I won the loaded posito....twice. That's 40 bucks that went into my piggy bank. I had a fantastic time.

there's always a silver lining to every dark cloud...



Laredo's Beauty

There are always complaints about how there's never anything good about Laredo. I hear it everyday. 'Laredo's too hot, Laredo's boring, Laredo's too small'....it goes on and on. Of course Laredo has its drawbacks, as with any other place, and there are a lot of things that are going wrong in the city. I'm not oblivious to it BUT Laredo is my hometown. I made it my mission to find the beauty in Laredo...here are a couple of pics I've taken so far.



Sunset in my 'hood



another afternoon at the lake

the path less traveled

una noche en la presa

Ok so I cheated. Of course there's always gonna be fantastic nature pics at the lake. Como quieras, it's in Laredo, right? With all its imperfections, I love the city that I was born and raised in because it holds meaning to me.

Aside from the fondess I have for my city, there's another thing that's evident from these pics: I need a new camera. There's only so much my rinky dinky camera can do and I'm starting to see that perhaps it might be time to upgrade. Pero por hortia, it's been doing a pretty good job.

I'm Pregnant!!!!!!!!

five months and counting....

Ok, ok....so I'm not. It'd be kinda hard considering some issues. I got caught up in the moment...sorry. Well, my sis-in-law is preggo. She looks so pretty and cute. It makes me think to the days when I was pregnant with my lil girl.

My pregnancy went super smoothly. I didn't have a problem and didn't complain. The only issue I had when I was pregnant was that I was so far away from my family. I got pregnant and had my daughter in Idaho and I wasn't near anyone I really knew. My family didn't end up meeting mija until she was six-months-old. Yes, it's so sad but now she's with them all the time so in the end, it all came out alright.

But I wish I had been pregnant at home. I know my family would've been taking care of my in anyway possible. I know my mom would've really enjoyed it considering I'm her only girl. She still throws it in my face that she never got to see me pregnant. I'm super happy for my sis-in-law and brother for their upcoming bundle of joy, but I can't help but feel a teeny, tiny bit of jealousy at her being able to be around her family during her pregnancy. Ahh, I'll get over it and I'm glad that they're home for the time being. Besides, I'm sure the day will come when I'm afforded the chance to be pregnant again.

One thing's for sure, I'm not leaving Laredo ever again!

What's in a Name

Alright, so I was named after my parental great-grandmother. I've never really considered what my name means but it's super common. I often drop the middle part because it reminds me of when my mom would be yelling at me from inside the house whenever I got into trouble. Rest assured that it wasn't that often when that happened (yea right). When I've introduced myself, people instantly come up with a nickname. I'm not fond of nicknames, in fact, I completely abhor them. Mary, Ma Lou, Mari, on and on, no me gusta ninguno. My name's short enough as it is, it doesn't need to have an alternate.     

What makes it worse is all the songs and sayings that contain my name. When Santana came out with that 'Maria, Maria' song, I never heard the end of it. Tambien, you wouldn't realize how many times I've heard 'Ay Maria, que punteria'. Which to be honest, I don't even know what that means.

 Anyways....that's not the point I was really trying to make. I've never researched as to what my name means and without even trying, I figured out what it meant. And of all places to figure it out, at a local Wal-Mart. Apparently my name means a mat for pictures. How exciting. Others have names that mean honeybee or some other interesting item. Not mine. Nimodo. What makes my name special is the woman who wore it way before I was born. According to my dad, my great-grandmother was a strong, funny, and intelligent woman. Believe me, I wear my name proudly but I was still surprised to see what my name meant. Oh well.

Direct translation: I'm a mat for squares....great...

Piñatas, Canicas, and Breakdancing

Life is so complicated nowadays. It used to be simpler. Back in the day, instead of eletronics, we'd find ways to entertain ourselves outside. Playing canicas was a favorite past time. I was never good at it because I was never able to hit another player's marble outta the circle. Still, I'd spend hours sitting outside on the dirt watching my brothers and primos play against my dad. Believe me the competition would get good.

 

el primo midway into his breaking segment

For some weird reason, I guess it was 'in' at the time, my cousins and uncles would spend time trying to out do each other with their breakdancing. It'd be fun to see who did better than the other. We'd spend hours laughing and trying to mimic each other's moves. I was about five or six (1987-88) and I remember doing the robot in my grandma's kitchen and having everyone cheering me on. Then I'd lie on the floor with my feet up in the air and have my dad spin me so I'd look like that breakdancing Gremlin from the movie. I'm tempted to post a clip but I'm not gonna do that to myself...no way.



Of course, las piñatas, were always a good excuse to be outside. The above pic is of a birthday party for my lil brother and me. I guess I was about five, he was about three. Since our birthdays are at the end of September, my dad has always insisted on a Halloween theme. Hence our deep love for all spooky things. Anyways, as I was looking through our family pics, I realized we had some really awesome piñatas. There was one of Woody the Woodpecker, Mickey Mouse, and the Smurfs. The bandana to cover the hitter's eyes, the palo needed to smack the goodies outta the piñata, and the anxious crowd of kids awaiting their turn....it all made the 80s so enjoyable for me.   

It kinda stings a lil seeing pics like these. The one constant thing in all these pics is that the family's all together. It ain't the same anymore. Of course, everyone's on their own journeys and has their own responsibilities so it would be kinda hard to get everyone together again. Good thing we have the pics and the memories and the possibility of one day having a reunion to reminise about los tiempos de ayer.

Si, estoy segura que el dia si se va llegar.

En Mi Barrio

I was at my dad's today and I was searching for some old family pics in order to start decorating my place. I came across a lot of neat pics that I hadn't seen in years. I was transported back to the days when the streets weren't paved in my barrio. El Barrio de los Amores is where I grew up. To most it would be known as the 'west side'.

Me recuerdo de los dias when the my biggest concern was who was going to be taking me to Maverick that day. I was a Maverick fiend and my uncles knew that a pit stop at Maverick had to be a daily occurrence for me. And that was the Maverick on San Bernardo where the Valero now stands. Those were also the days when we'd be running on the street barefoot without even noticing the rocks digging in our feet. This is the barrio that I remember fondly because this is where my family and I were raised and to this day my family continues to live there. Every single member of my family can honestly say that they have a memory of this here street.

But as with everything, it's changed some. The streets are paved. The neighborhood now has some unruly residents. All I have left are some pics and the memories of como era antes. But that's the way it goes, I guess.

Update on Freedom Status

Ok, so I lied. I didn't end up washing my car by hand. I turned to those fantastic laserwashes to do the job for me. My car was at the point where it was no longer black, it was brown. And to make matters worse, it was sporting a makeshift 'Loser!' statement on the trunk. Ya era tiempo. Now all it needs is to be cleaned thru the inside...

My bed and I haven't made up yet but it seems we're on talking terms. I figure as long as I give it some attention, I should still be allowed enough time to do the things on my 'days off list'. I already accomplished three things: car wash, family time, and a movie (yay! cuz it wasn't a cartoon). I'm gonna be working on checking off the other two from my list.

The things I'm capable of when I make the effort... I'm unstoppable, baby!

Facing Reality on Saunders

If the end of anything was as beautiful as the end of the day, I wouldn't mind facing it. Unfortunately, the end is never rose-colored or peaceful. Nimodo, asi es.

Cruising Down Hwy 83

I often have to travel to Rio Bravo and El Cenizo in order to complete some tasks at work. I love it. I don't mind the fact that I have to battle morning and afternoon Southside traffic. I put on my tunes (CDs cuz I don't have a fancy stereo system) y me voy en un viaje (literally).

I love working with the families from those cities. I've found some pretty awesome people over there. Talking to the teenagers are the best. The terminology they use might be considered inappropriate but I've learned some pretty neat phrases. Most of them I will never use in everyday language, because it would be sooo wrong but I'm sure one day it'll come in handy. At least I'll know what they mean when they're telling me off in the current slang words.

It's fun to visit those cities. There are some changes being made within the cities which is beyond awesome. It makes my weekly visits all that more enjoyable. For one, the main street has been paved. Yay! Another thing is that streets in El Cenizo now have appropriate stop signs and are now clearly labeled. I don't know how many times I've gotten lost, but trust me, it's been a lot.

Street signs make my life so much simpler

The only thing that needs a lil tweaking are the streets in Rio Bravo. I drive like a viejita over there cuz I'm scared I'm gonna lose a tire somewhere. Pero al final de cuentas, me encanta.

BTW always make sure your car is in tip top shape and full of gas should you decide to venture to El Cenizo.
 I never freakin learn!

Almost There

I can almost taste it. I can feel the shift in the air, I can sense its impending entrance...my freedom is approaching. Alright, enough with the drama, I know I've had my fair share recently. I'm referring to the days off I'm gonna be having soon. Days off....those words never sounded so darn good. I already have planned what it is that I'm gonna be doing:

1. Tend to my much neglected car. At least give it a wash, by hand, cuz it really, really needs it.
2. Catch up with my reading. I haven't touched a book in months.
3. Take my daughter to the zoo. We both need a break from Laredo.
4. Spend as much time as possible with the family, there can never be enough of that.
5. Go and watch a movie at the theaters, and I'm not talking about a cartoon...no more please!

It seems like my mini vaycay is already jam packed with activities to attend to. I'm all set and ready to go where the wind takes me. I'm so gonna do EVERYTHING on  my list.

 But....perhaps....just maybe....there might be another issue I may have to tend to. You see, I must confess something: I've been having a bit of a hard time with a current relationship of mine. I have to admit that I've been the one who hasn't been putting in my effort but it's cuz things get in the way. Life is so crazy, I put it on the back burner. Now that I have those couple of days of free time, I was wondering whether I should focus on piecing back together that tattered relationship. I'm sure it misses me. I'm sure it'd welcome me with open arms....

Alright, that's it. Those couple of days, I'm gonna spend it making up with my 'camita'. My bed is my haven and my best friend and I haven't been very nice to it lately. I haven't been sleeping well and so, for the days I'm afforded off, I'm gonna be in bed. Screw the list...see you in my dreams.

Beauty in the Decay

There's a sense of beauty in death and decay. After something's gone, there will always be something new that will take its place. As painful the loss may be, often times the 'newborn' will be better than the original. I didn't say always, I said often.

 I'm so very fascinated by images such as the above tree. I wish I was a photographer, a person with a creative eye. Pero I wasn't born to be artistic, I was born to be an analyzer. Over-analyzing everything is my curse and it's a cross I have to constantly carry. I don't really mind the weight, but I do often stop to admire the beauty in the chaos that encompasses my existence. If I didn't stop every once in a while, then what would be the point to anything?

**My friend would kill me if I didn't give him credit for the pic. He's the photographer in my life and  he's absolutely awesome. And he gives me free photo sessions....hint, hint.** 

On with the Routine

It seems like the whole world is taking a break from everything this coming week. Not me. I'm gonna be secluded in my lil hole in the wall trying to help piece together people's lives. How ironic since I have a freakin hard time fitting my together. How come it's always like that? Why is so much easier to dish out the advice and help others understand their own lives and it's so darn hard to do that with one's own life? It's not fair...not fair at all. Oh well, while every one's at the beach, I'll be diligently completing my assignments without giving a second thought to what everyone else is doing...no, I won't care at all.

A Break from the Norm

The family and I spent a random evening at la presa. We used to spend so much time there as children. We'd play on the swings, work on skipping rocks over the waves, make carñe asadas, and go climbing up and down the lil 'montañas' that used to be there. We've never gone to the lake on holidays. We always manage to make up some minuscule reason as to why we need to visit the lake. Today's reason: we all just needed a damn break. Standing at the water's edge and breathing in the air...it just felt like it washed away all the weeks' stress and worries. For that moment, I wasn't the responsible 28-yr-old, I was the child who used to play on the swings and run around and laugh just for the sake of laughing. To say that we had a blast is putting it extremely lightly. I even got to take some pics.

This building here brings back so memories of running around and screaming like we're crazy. I dunno what it's for but it just gives off a feeling of security and tranquility....at least to me it does.

 

Swings are fun. They're perfect because no matter how old you are, they always welcome you with open seats. I hadn't gotten on a swing for years but I found myself swinging like there was no tomorrow. Yea, I'm supposed to be mature y todo but I left that suit at the lake's entrance. I had some major fun on those swings. 

As a kid, I wouldn't care if I had to drink from a fountain like this. I probably would've pasted my mouth over the spout and guzzled down water till I was full. When I was faced with this here option at the lake, I must admit that I did hesitate but thought that since I was acting like a kid, might as well go all out. Well, at least it didn't taste like fish so I'm guessing it was okay to drink. And no, I didn't paste my mouth over the spout like when I was a kid. I do have my limits.... 

 

It's so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life and forget to breathe. I have a freakin pain in my neck that's letting me know just how stressed I am. But today, playing around and appreciating the time I got to spend with my family, helped me focus on the very important need to take a break and look around. The problems are always going to be there. The drama will forever be constant. So why freak out. Why spend so much time worrying. Just savor the moment and live for the day. El mundo siegue dando vueltas... 



You Said.....

You said you'd make me happy. You didn't.

You said I'd never regret meeting you. I did.

You said things wouldn't be the same as before. They were.

You said I wouldn't amount to anything. I did.

You said I wasn't going to be able to go at it alone. I am.

You said I'd always love you and someday go back to you. I didn't, I haven't, and I never will.

You said I would never find anyone to love me like you. I haven't....but the possibility is there.

All the things you said and what was the end result: None of it came out like you said it would.

So who's the one that really ended up failing? I say it was you.

Un Dia de Belleza

I had to visit a local beauty parlor cuz I needed a trim. Apparently, viejitas take their hair appointments verrrrry seriously. I didn't wait long cuz I don't have a favored stylist, I just go with whoever's free, but there were some older ladies waiting for hours until their hair dresser was free. Como dicen, la belleza es bien importante.

Daily Living

"Mija, si estas bonita...." she blurted out while looking at me thoughtfully.

"Uh, thanks, but I didn't ask....and you don't have to look so surprised."

"I'm not surprised. I know you are but when you're all fodonga, you look so tired."

"Yes, yes, I know. I'm working on it." I roll my eyes and laugh. I should've seen it coming.




Gee thanks, Mom. P.S. I look like you so be careful of what you say.

Daily Living

At conferences, you truly never know who's gonna end up sitting next to you. 

Inch Worm, Inch Worm.....

remember those worms that would thrive on trees and bleed green blood....this ain't one of them

I know this looks gross but I just had to snap a pic. For Christmas, a close family friend decided that this here gummy worm would be the absolute perfect gift for my mom. He looked like an excited lil boy when he handed over his present to her. She opened it and didn't really know how to react. It was, after all, a foot-long gummy worm that squiggled and jiggled and...well  you know what I mean. Imagine taking the worm outta the box at Danny's to see it in all its 12-inch glory. Let's just say it didn't look right at all. My mom gave it to my youngest brother because she really didn't know what to do with it.

Well this is where it came to rest. I dunno why my brother decided to hook it from the tree like this but there it hangs. Waiting for the scorching Laredo sun to melt it down to nothing. It's kinda like everything else in life, ain't it?

Ramblings

I don't have material right now. I don't have quirky pics or random thoughts. But there is something that's bothering me. There's something I've been dealing with. I won't go into much detail but I'll try and grasp the gist of my thinking.

I'm tired. I'm ready to throw in the towel. I thought, fifteen months ago, I had completed the toughest obstacle I had to go through. I now find that I never even started the journey. It feels like I've been taking one step forward but then jumping three steps back. I know it's late for New Year's resolutions but what about just plain ol' resolutions? I'm sure they're allowed...so here are a couple I am seriously going to work on:

1. I'm going to do all that has to be done to ensure my daughter's safety. No, I sure as hell don't neglect her at all. I take very good care of my lil girl but there are other factors involved. I won't go into much detail but I will take all measures necessary so that I won't ever fall into the predicament I am in now. This too shall pass....

2. I will grow a backbone. There's so many reasons as to why I am the person I am today. Many would describe me as sarcastic, mean, dry, etc etc. In reality, most of them know that's absolutely not true. I let myself accept things that are not good for me. I don't put the blame on anyone but myself but it's about damn time I stop being so stupid. Yes, I am too freakin nice and I give too much of a crap for people that could care less about me. I believe in the whole 'what goes around, comes around' theory and I've seen it at it's best so I'm just gonna let them get theirs. I'm not gonna stand for that anymore. I don't need people like that.

3. I'll take every obstacle as a learning experience. Life never turns out the way I plan. Something can go right in one area and in another it can all go to hell. Usually, my first reaction is to freak out and ask 'why the hell me'. Well, why the hell not me? Lately, I've had a couple of thousand things on my plate and I haven't crumbled yet. Sure, it's still early in the process but I know I can handle it. 'Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" and I'm still here, aren't I? The difficulties we face are the ones that eventually show us who we really are and what we're capable of. I just have to remind myself of that...

Truth is, there's so many things I haven't been wanting to face because it'll distort the life I've been living. It'll create chaos for a couple of days, perhaps weeks, maybe even months...heaven forbid, years. Aaah, I'm up for the challenge. I have a weird feeling that all will eventually fall into place, the way it should have been for sometime. I can, at least, hope.