Friday, July 14, 2017

Back to One


I'm usually really good at putting my feelings to paper. I've always managed to find the words to express myself accurately. At this point in time, I can't. So, this letter will be just a hurling of anger and pain. Deal with it. 

For so long I've managed to keep myself sane. For years I've kept men at arm's length, letting them get near only for the sake of feeding the flesh. Until you came into the picture. On my blog, I've mentioned a couple of individuals with whom I felt I had made a deep connection with but in all honestly, they all pale in comparison to you. I can't even put them in the same boat as were half a world ahead of them. 

At the beginning, you commented on how cold I was. You pointed out how aloof I came across in my responses to your beginning attempts at establishing communication. You were one of the many to me. You didn't deserve more than that. But you always joked, 'cuando te enamores de mi', and I would laugh because you had no idea who you were even trying to get involved with. I had thought myself made of ice, but the joke was really on me. 

It'd be one thing to say that I built all this relationship in my head. That I probably read more into it than actually was but no, you fed into it as much as I did. I didn't even realize when I let you in and by then it had been too late. I had made it clear in the beginning that I hated lies. For all my mistakes and wrongs that I've done in my life, I've always been up front about them. I'm pretty much an open book but only give importance of what others think about me to a select few. You grew to be one of those people because those lies got you what you wanted. 'White lies' were how you fondly referred to them. Those damned white lies ended up making me completely blind to the reality that you knew exactly what you were doing. 

I gave myself willingly and openly. You have no idea how difficult it had been for me to do such a thing. Sure I've dated and considered myself in 'relationships' since leaving the ex but I had never considered any of them anything special. Even when I agreed to carry the title girlfriend, I never gave myself completely. I have yet to explain why I did so with you. I have yet to understand why I let myself be so blind. 

Let this be a lesson to those reading; if anyone ever tells you 'la persona que se quede contigo, va estar bien bendecía' that person telling you that is not expecting, nor trying, to be that person. Run. Don't even waste your breath on asking, 'if I'm such a fucken blessing, why the fuck wouldn't you want to be that person?'  I tried it. The response wasn't even worth my time. 

Another thing, when they start trying to give you pointers on how to be warm and open with others in the future, they're not in it for the long haul. 'Don't be cold. Be open like you were with me.' Fucker, you weren't just anyone. But eventually you'll be just another face in my past, and this post will be hard to read in the future when I realize just how dumb I was to have wasted my time on you. 

I'm pissed. I'm hurt and although you mentioned never wanting to hurt me and how you weren't in the right frame of mind, you did just that. You hurt me. Big.Time. 

Then for it to end with silence. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? I wasn't worth the time to even be told 'hey, fuck off. It's not gonna happen.' Nope. Nada. I've told myself I'll block your number but I can't. I just can't get myself to do it. 

For so long, I've never questioned my self-worth. I know what I have to offer a man and I know who I am as a person. But having gone through this, it's made me falter. It's made me feel like crap. Congrats to you. Whatever game you were playing, you won. It's made me ask stupid pathetic questions of what is wrong with me. I wanna know why I wasn't good enough. They're questions asked through tears and with an urgency to find the answers as to why the hell me. 

Did I deserve this? I probably did. I haven't always been the nicest person in the world but I've never played with others. But, it's another lesson learned. 

I still find it funny how you managed to tell me how I'll find someone worth my time in the future. It's assholes like you that made me to be who I was before. I miss that me. The one who laughed easily. The one who smiled and didn't have to fight back the tears that were lingering at the corners of my eyes. The one who would see others in relationships and easily continue on with my day without flinching. The one who would hear music and not give a crap about the lyrics. The one who wasn't scared of the thought of being alone. WI wish I was who I was before I met you. If only you had been honest since the very beginning, I wouldn't have given you a second glance. I would not have given you the time of day because I would have known from the beginning how it would turn out. I would've gladly continued on my merry way. But no, even you knew I wouldn't have talked to you and that's why you purposely lied. But you didn't play with me, right? Mmm hmm. Ok. 

But alas, things never turn out the way one wants them to turn out. They end up being the way they need to be. For some reason, you arrived to kick my ass and you did a fantastic job. Eventually, hopefully in the near future, I'll go back to being who I was before. There's no reason to change or be different. No one has provided me with enough reason to be open and inviting. 

If for whatever reason, you end up reading this, I hope you feel these words. You weren't different. You were the same as everyone else that has passed before. 

You wanted to break the ice. You wanted to prove that I could care and could feel and that being cold was just a facade. You were wrong. You have no idea what cold is. 

What you considered cold before is nothing to what you'll experience should we ever run into each other. I'm not one for drama, but I'll make sure you feel like you never existed. That's just how freakin' petty I am. 

I hope to never hear from you again. May our paths never cross. 

Anyways, this concludes this rant and this episode in my life. 


Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Here we go again....


Okay, so I lied about coming back. Just when you think you're ready, Life just laughs and says 'not yet, buddy'. 

I took a stroll through my blog recently and saw how light-hearted it was; how the randomness of my daily life entertained me so much. I can't deny it provided me with enough material to feed my writing for a couple of years. More than anything the blog had been my therapy. No one can fully understand just how much I was able to repair and grow through making fun of my life. Otherwise, I'm sure I would have gone crazy. But...I always felt like I was writing to impress someone. I mean, the sentiment behind the writing was genuine, but it didn't come completely from me, me. If that makes any sense at all. 

And that leads me to this, the tone of the blog is taking on a change. Of course I'll still make fun of my life but it won't be the same. It's been maybe four years since I've written a real post for my blog and I feel the need to start again. Perhaps to help me make better sense of my life and help me focus on building something better for myself. 

Four years....a lot has changed. I'm older. My kids....yeah, you read that right, my daughter now has her partner in crime, have grown up a bit. And then there's Life, who has never managed to let me forget that I am not in control of anything. 

My return to blogging post is going to be a letter. I'm including the warning because it's not going to be nice and it's going to be ugly. Unfortunately, I feel it completely necessary. It's my closure. So I'll be posting it tomorrow evening. Sadly, the person it's intended for will probably never read it but it's more for me than anything else. 

More importantly, I'm finally back. 

Wednesday, February 10, 2016


It's been a while, huh.

It's going on three years since I last touched the blog. For those few that randomly ran into my blog today, how are you? What's new? How have you been?

I think I'm back. I say I think because I don't want to promise consistency because I don't know if I can offer that...but what I can offer are some random blog posts here and there. It's better than nothing, and who's to say it won't change later on. Maybe I'll get my life together and be a stellar blogger.

Yea, I wouldn't hold my breath either BUT I'm still here.

And you'll hear from me soon.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Baby Number 2

A couple of weeks ago, my daughter was playing with Play-Doh on my dad’s living room floor. She turned to my sister-in-law and asked her to play. My sis-in-law was tired, she had already been playing with her the whole day, and asked for a break. My daughter then gives a huge sigh and says, “I wish I had a sister.”

That hit me…hard. Yea, it was a bit funny but at the same time, it kinda stung.

My little girl has asked me a couple, okay more than a couple, of times to have another baby. I’ve explained to her that it’s not as easy as she thinks it to be. When I hear her ‘awww’ and see her pout, I think to myself, “Well, why not?” I’m already doing it by myself with one; why not add another one more to the picture.

There are a variety of reasons why I’d want to have another baby. First and foremost, I want my daughter to have a sibling. Growing up with three brothers myself, I don’t remember ever being bored. I had someone to fight with and to confide in. Now, my relationship with my siblings is something I cherish dearly. I’d want my daughter to have that same bond with a brother or sister. Second, my pregnancy was so easy that I wouldn’t mind going through it again. Third, I’d be around my family this time while I’m pregnant. With my daughter, I lived in Idaho and my family didn’t meet her until she was already six months old. Having them around this time, I know it’d mean a lot to them and to me. Especially my mom, she’d love to be there to see her one and only daughter go through a pregnancy from the beginning to the end. And lastly, I feel as if having another baby would add another dimension to my daughter’s life. Most of her life, she’s been surrounded by adults. She is the first, and was the only grandchild in the family until my nephew joined the picture almost two years ago. But he lives in San Antonio so the cousins don’t get to spend too much time together. With another baby, she’d be able to experience being a big sister, which I’m more than sure she’d love. And of course, I’d love to have another baby.

The cons of my having a baby? I’d be a single parent all over again. I’ve managed to get my daughter walking, talking, potty-trained, settled with other children, comfortable with attending elementary, and sleeping in her own room, by herself. With another baby, I’d be back to square one. Another thing, probably bigger than the first, would be the financial aspect of raising two children on my own. Sure, my daughter and I are doing just fine right now. Adding another individual into the mix would make it a bit more difficult for me. It’s not like a baby would require a lot of stuff. I’ve come to find that they really need the most basic of things, and diapers…lots and lots of diapers. I could manage that but would I really want to make it more stressful for my daughter and me? And a last, but major component, who’s gonna take care of my baby while I’m at work? I had the ‘luxury’ of staying at home with my daughter until she was almost two-years-old. I feel that the first couple of days, weeks, months, of a baby’s life are the most amazing. Who do I trust enough to take care of him/her the ‘right’ way? And another biggie, which I don’t really like to admit but I do completely understand, at some point of their life, my child would realize that ‘Daddy’s’ not in the picture. My daughter will sometimes ask questions regarding her father and his absence and it’s not that it bothers me; it’s more that I don’t know exactly what to tell her. I know it bothers her, because there’ll be a period when she asks about her father and whether I’m with him. My attempts at explaining the situation in a manner where she is able to comprehend has somewhat answered some of her questions, but I’m sure she still has other ones. Would I really want to do that with another baby? Sure I didn’t plan on being a single mom and it happens all the time, but to knowingly have another baby without a father around? Hmm. I’m not so sure.

So there, folks, is the dilemma I’m currently facing. Is it something I should be contemplating? Perhaps not, but we all make our own decisions. Realistically speaking, I probably won’t end up having another baby. I’m still young, but the ‘hopes’ of finding a suitable mate is pretty, well very, dim. And I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I’m happy and feel fulfilled. A baby would only add to the happiness but then again, would it really….

I guess we shall see.  

Monday, April 8, 2013

Mid-Life Crisis?!

As I sit here drinking my chamomile tea, I reflect on what my life has become. I'm pretty happy with all that's happened. Do I regret anything? Nah. Learned a couple of hard lessons but I wouldn't take them back. But what's on my mind right now isn't the past, it's the future....

I was talking with a friend today and I guess the same thing was on our mind....Is this it? Is this what our lives are destined to be? Yea, can you believe it, having a mid-life crisis at 30. It kinda feels that way.

I'm not complaining. I have a job I love and it's afforded me the ability to provide for my daughter, but do I plan on staying there forever? I read a couple of years back that a person changes careers at least seven times in their lifetimes. I'm still at number one. Do I have plans on going back to school? Do I want to venture into something else? What do I wanna do? These are the questions that have kept me up at night recently.

Stability. That's the main reason why I've hesitated on making any move. Frankly, I'm scared. But I think I have a greater fear of realizing, at the end of my life, that I never did anything exciting. Like I told a friend recently, I wanna feel alive. I want adventure. I want material to blog about. I'm sure you've all noticed how scarce the posts have been....I don't have anything to rave or complain about. :(

It's all in my hands, I know, I know. Baby steps. In order to help me get jump started on my uncharted adventures, I'm gonna start reading the book, The Secret. An ex-bf of mine swore by this book. He even listened to an audio reading of it while he slept....yes, there were many reasons why that relationship didn't work...BUT, that's beside the point. Perhaps there is something to positive thinking (duh). First thing on my to-do list is: change my lifestyle. As to how, I'm not entirely sure yet. It's a plan in the making. I'll let y'all know what I come up with.

As for right now, I'm gonna finish my tea and go to sleep. Tomorrow's another day with the possibility for new beginnings. At least that's what I'll chant until I fall asleep.

Ah, but I do have a certain something that's been on my mind for a while already. I've been working on that entry for a while and I'll post it up manaña.

Buenas noches. :)

Monday, March 4, 2013

The Love of My Life

There's one great blessing in my life that I feel has managed to erase all the bitterness and pain that I've carried for a while. This grand blessing of mine has changed my life in a way that no one has ever been able to do. My daughter has been my salvation from the very beginning, I just didn't really understand that until very recently.

When we moved back to Laredo in 2009, I was focused on one thing: surviving. Working, making plans for our future, following through with my motherly duties....I was on overdrive, and I wasn't there for her as much as I should have been. Often times, with all honesty, I was overwhelmed. I'd often go visit my mother and cry for hours because I had no idea what I was doing; or even what it was that I was supposed to do. At the time, my daughter was two and a half and I thought she was a handful. In reality, compared to other children, she's a dream. But at that time, I didn't see that.

After moving out of my dad's house, which he thought there was no reason for, I took on a whole new responsibility: providing a homestead for my baby. When I first moved into my place, I felt an instant loneliness settle into the pit of my stomach...and a huge ball of resentment grew in my gut. Resentment towards that crap head of a father I had chosen for my daughter. But I chose not to dwell on that and instead, focused all my energy on making sure that she had all that she needed, and whenever it was possible, whatever she wanted. I had to go to work on disciplining my child in order to make her understand that she wasn't always going to get her way, which was what she had gotten used to at my father's. It took us a loooooooong time, but we were able to finally settle into a friendly living arrangement.

Then we faced the obstacle of her first year of school. All the other 'major' transitions in her life had gone fairly smoothly. She was potty trained in a matter of days. She accepted full-time daycare with a grace that I didn't possess at her age. She had managed to understand that her father was not going to be in her life. That hurt. It was difficult to explain the situation to her and, of course, I explained it in terms that she would be able to understand. It killed me to see the pain of understanding in her eyes, but my little girl is strong and so she was able to deal with the truth. And now, we were facing with the feared first day of school. It was eazy-peazy for her. She took to it like a pro and has managed to do so well at school. I was worried at first because my child had shown signs of being an extreme introvert. Well, I'm glad to say that I found out recently that she's the class 'chatterbox'. At least I don't have to worry about that.

Now, I know what I'm about to say will be shocking to some of you, but it's the honest truth. I recently fell in love with my daughter all over again. I've loved her since the moment she was conceived. I adored feeling her move inside my belly. Seeing her for the first time, it was the most beautiful moment of my life....and the scariest. And the growing pains we've faced together are only a small part of what's to come. I'm fully aware of that. But my daughter and I have managed to reach a point where we actually enjoy being with each other. Her funny faces and silly dances have me cracking up. Her questions are some of the things I fear most because I don't know what's going through her head at times. I'm happy to say, she has no qualms about sharing her thoughts. Her most recent line of questioning was, 'Mom, where do babies come from?' Believe me, I came up with an awesome answer...until she really processes it and sees all the flaws in my story and she'll be back for the clarification. But, that level of communication is something I'm grateful for.

So yes, my relationship with my daughter was not always great but we've managed to work together to get to where we are now. I prefer a million times to be with her than leave her with a sitter and be out about town. I know where my place is and I know who needs me the most. My mom constantly hounds me about how I'll never find anyone stuck at home, or at her house, or at my dad's and frankly I don't care. When it comes to men, I'm very picky with who I get involved with; whether it be for a friendship or a relationship. Dating is extremely difficult when a child is involved. I'm not going to put my daughter at risk just because sometimes I get lonely. But when those nanoseconds come around, I cuddle up with my baby and put on a good cartoon and the feeling is erased.

When I get overwhelmed by life and it's unexpected chaos, I take comfort in knowing that I have my daughter who tells me, 'I love you, mom'. Those words and her sweet smile is more than enough to give me strength to try my best to give her all that she deserves. Not in material things but by my attention, affection, and the great love I have for her.

No matter what I have to do, I'll do in order to make sure my daughter is protected and happy. What else is a parent supposed to do.

Monday, February 18, 2013

El Friend

A couple of years back, I met a friend. I didn't expect him to come into my life at that moment. I had just moved back to Laredo and was trying to piece my life back together. Meeting him at the time that I did was both a blessing and a curse.

The very first time we 'met' was at a local establishment where people hang out to have a good time. Meet up for easy going conversation and have a couple of light drinks. I was out with my partner in crime and he sent me a message letting me know that he was on his way to the same place. He brought up the possibility of us meeting there but I was way too nervous. I was new to the whole making friends thing and didn't think I was really ready. My partner in crime, on the other hand, thought it'd be fun to meet up. She was having so much fun, at my expense, that she didn't mind going back into the place. So there we went, my heart racing, and I felt 'the wall' instinctively go up. I think had it been any other guy, he would've been put off by my personality. I was too dry and sarcastic...and I have made a lot of progress, but at that time, I wasn't pleasant company for men. Well, he gave me a chance, perhaps he saw beyond the spiky demeanor and that was when our friendship was born.

Fast forward to almost three years later, and we're still going strong. I can't really say I've ever met anyone like him. It's never boring when I meet up with him. What makes him even more special to me is that we met at a period when both our lives were chaotic. He never let on how much his past had affected him and I wasn't ready to talk about my more recent pain. And it took a while, a long while before I could actually say I understood him.

Now, we have a different relationship than most friendships but it's something I'm glad to have in my life. It might not make sense to outsiders but he's kept me sane when I didn't think it was possible. And he doesn't know how much he's impacted my life and I doubt I'll ever tell him but he has.

If I had to describe my ideal man, it'd include everything my friend is...both in personality and physical appearance. He just makes complete sense to me. But sometimes, things work out in weird ways, and that's what happened here. We work very well as friends.

So, I know it's kinda late, but I wanted to celebrate my friend on this very special day. May we continue to have more years of trivial conversations and disagreements on whether he's actually finally matured (he has but isn't quite there yet). But he has hope for love, the real love that still beats somewhere in this world. And I sincerely hope he finds it because he deserves happiness. I'll even volunteer to be 'madrina' of something for his wedding...well maybe but I'll for sure be in attendance.

I know one day he'll finally become that sun in somebody's sky. We'll be shining bright together...the galaxy is big enough for the both of us.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Daily Living

My brother came down to visit for the holidays and he told my dad that he felt like he couldn't hear from his right ear. He then asked my dad to help him out.

So dad rolled up a paper cone and lit it up.....

Can't say that it worked. I had this done to me all the time as a kid cuz I suffered from chronic ear infections. I ended up having tubes put in my ears.

Just thought I'd let you all know that the old school ways are alive and well in the west side.

New Year’s Resolutions:

First and foremost, Happy New Year to everyone. A bit late, but better late than never. 

Resolutions: everyone makes them, and by March, everyone forgets them. At least that's what happens with me. Is it on purpose? Perhaps it might be that I’m not ready to make the commitment. And if you haven’t gotten it by now, I’m not too keen on commitments. BUT I think it’s time. I’ve reached a point in my life where I am ready to make some major changes….okay, maybe not major but they’re significant to me.

Here are my top five resolutions:

5. Drink more water. Yes, it’s kinda boring and everyone always says they’re gonna do it and never do but I am. Years back, I gave up drinking any kind of soda for about three years. I’m gonna aim for six months and take it from there.

4. Do more baking with my daughter. I never did it much with my mom when I was younger. I was more into climbing trees and running outside than being in the kitchen, but my lil one likes making cookies. Main point being, spend more quality time with my baby, before she grows up and realizes that I’m not as cool as she thinks me to be now.

3. Write and read more. Obviously I haven’t been doing much of that lately. I love writing but I don’t make the effort to do it on a daily basis. And reading, well I’d have to say that I have a problem with reading. The thing is that once I pick up a book and I get into it, it’s difficult to put it down. I get obsessed with finishing it that I really can’t function. You probably think I’m exaggerating…..well, I finished the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy in less than a week…. See…told you.

4. Get a house where my daughter can finally have her dog. Okay, I know this one won’t be accomplished in a year (well, one never knows) but I’m going to start the process of getting my own home. I have no idea where to start so that’s my starting point. Then, I’ll take it from there. As for now, I’ve managed to reach a compromise with my munchkin. She’s getting a hamster. I'm not too excited with the idea but it’s the best I can do…for now. I will get her a puppy and a yard where she can runaround with it...even if it means moving back with my dad.....maybe.

And the main resolution:

5. For so long, I’ve felt like I’ve been carrying around excess weight on my shoulders; my goal is to just let it go. I’m ready to leave my burdens in the care of someone who I know will be better able to deal with them than I ever will. I want to live a sincere life. I want to avoid as much negativity as possible. Sure, life isn’t perfect and I know that well, but there’s no need to constantly be on guard. I am very blessed with what I have in my life. I have an amazing family, great friends, a job I love, a place to live, food to eat, a vehicle to get me places, and enough money to provide us with what we need. I really can’t ask for anything more. It’s time that I work on appreciating it. 

**And that there, folks, are my resolutions. So, I will be writing more. And the blog might change up a bit. How, I’m still not entirely sure, but I’m working on it. As for now, here’s wishing you many blessings, love, and happiness in 2013. J   

Monday, December 3, 2012

2 Everything Will Be Ok

One of the things that I've constantly been reminded of my entire life has been, "Todo va salir bien."

Family members, friends, and people I've run into have always, for some reason or another, told me those four little words. There's nothing complex about the meaning. You really have to take it as it is. It's as simple as that. But to really feel it is something entirely different and difficult to do. 

My mom especially favors those words. The ever optimist, constantly reminds me that no matter how hard the obstacle there's always a solution. Since my way of thinking is naturally geared more towards the pessimistic side, she was my reminder on how I just have to believe that all will be well. 

Faith. It's just trusting that somehow and some way, the situation will right itself the way it's supposed to. After years and years of hearing those words, finally at the ripe ol' age of thirty, I'm managed to completely embrace their meaning: everything really does come out okay. 

Now, my friends complain about how I'm always telling them that very saying that used to make me roll my eyes. I guess they think that I don't understand their situation. I guess they feel that I've never gone through what they've gone through. True. We all face different hardships but that feeling of hopelessness, of being lost...I've been there. And I found that at the end, things end up the way they have to. Sure, most of the time it's not the way we want them....but it's the way we need them to be. Most of the time, we'll realize that it turned out better than we expected. 

Is my life perfect? Of course not. But I spent a lot of time sulking in a very dark place. It's taken me quite a while to right my own wrongs and accept the situation the way it is. But I've made progress. I imagine it'll be an ever constant struggle but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?

Believe and know, that when it feels as if there's absolutely no way life will ever feel normal again, there will come a day when it will all make sense and everything will eventually turn out okay. 


Thursday, October 11, 2012

1 Pay it Forward

I liked the movie, but that's not what I was referring to. When I started the blog, Mr. DeLaredo 2.0 was the one who really pushed me to start it. I wasn't all too interested, cuz I didn't think anyone would really want to read what I wrote. Well, I came to find out otherwise.

And if it hadn't been for his incessant nagging, I mean encouragement, I wouldn't have taken the first step of my long therapy session. So, when I found out a close friend of mine could write, I suggested she start a blog. She was interested from the very beginning but kept putting it off for a while until finally, she took the plunge and joined the blogging world.

It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you all: Perfect Height for Hugs.

Check it out. It's in the early stages but keep tuned. My friend has a great style of writing.

Welcome to the blogosphere, Ms. India Taranga. :)

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

If you're there for my struggles I might ask you to be there for my success !!!!!

Monday, October 1, 2012

Dirty Thirty......

I'm not much of a fan of the title but I've been hearing that phrase for the past week, so I figured I'd use it up a bit more. Well, it finally happened. A couple of days ago I turned the big 3-0. I'm no longer in my twenties. I can no longer say I didn't know better. I've matured. At last.

I always look forward to my birthdays. It doesn't bother me that I'm turning a year older. It's a year more that I'm grateful for. This particular birthday was special for many, many reasons. For one, I spent it with great company. For another, I celebrated three decades on this world of ours. And the third, well, I feel better than I have in a very, very long time. 

Since this birthday has been so special, I'm going to do something a bit different with the blog. I'm going to talk about thirty things I've learned in my thirty years. Granted, I've just begun my thirtieth year but I've learned a couple of things along the way. Each piece of wisdom I share will be numbered from,yes, you guessed it, one through thirty. This is also to differentiate between them and regular Halloween posts, which I promise will be coming up very soon. I can't promise a daily entry, but I can definitely promise that I'll complete the thirty. Keep in mind though, not all will be life-altering gems of knowledge. Remember, it's just my rinky-dinky blog. But I'll try my best to make them entertaining. 

For those who continue to check in on my blog, I thank you. I hold this blog close to my heart, even though it might not show, but I've enjoyed the whole experience. 

So stay tuned. The best is yet to come.
balloons are always fun

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Eve of Change

Ok, so obviously I lied. I just haven't made the effort to sit down and write.

The blog started as my therapy. As a way to help me deal and internalize what I went through in my previous relationship. Because, basically, that was the bottom line: I hadn't been able to deal with and comprehend what I had gone through with my ex. Now, though, I'm at a much better place in my life. I'll go into a bit more detail at another time but for now, on this eve of change, I find myself nervous.

Sunday nights are always a bit tricky for me. After having a break during the weekend, the upcoming work week isn't always an exciting thing to look forward to. But tonight, of all nights, I'm nervous due to another very nerve-racking reason: my baby starts her first day of school tomorrow.

Yup, it's that moment that all parents fear. It's the beginning of my baby's independence, of her exposure to the outside world. Sure, she's been in daycare for awhile already but school's different. I'd prefer her to stay in daycare till she was eighteen...but I know that's impossible.

So, months ago, I started preparing her. Letting her know that she was going to be heading to the 'big school' now. We went to buy her uniforms. I let her choose her shoes. I let her help me gather her school supplies. She picked the pinkest backpack. I, along with several family members, talked to her about strangers and inappropriate touching. I kept on reminding her that she would be attending 'real' school now. I took her to meet her new teacher. And all the while, my heart was beating at a million miles per hour. My lil girl was going to start her adventure into the world, and I know the journey would get rough one day.

Then tonight, as I put her to sleep earlier than usual, I spoke to her about how she would have to get up early. I let her know that the school now had a bell system and she couldn't be late. I told her about the other children that would be crying. She turned to me and asked, "Why would they be crying, Mommy?" I explained to her that these children weren't used to being away from their mommies and they would be scared. She then asked whether she had to cry too. I told her that she didn't, that perhaps she could show them that there was nothing to be scared about. I let her know that I would be picking her up after school but also reminded her that the following week she would be going to the after school daycare. All this she listened to intently and then said, "Ok, Mommy. Good night. I love you," then turned around and fell fast asleep. As I lay there, again my heart pounding away, I realized that my kiddo was more ready for school than I was.

And that is why I'm here now. Because I can't sleep. Because I work in a job where I get glimpses as to what  can happen in schools. Because I know that the youth aren't as naive and innocent as they were years and years back. But it's a passage of life and I'm gonna be there right next to my baby helping her as much as I possibly can.

We all have to grow up at some point or another. And just like my mother did when I was a kid, I'm gonna take my lil girl to her first day of school and smile as brightly as I can and let her know that I love her and give her my blessing. Then I'll go back to my car and cry my eyes out on my way to work.

But that's the way it works. She's gonna be just fine, as so will I.

it's amazing how fast time flies by

Monday, July 2, 2012

Aqui Toy!!

I'm still here, people. Give me a couple of days and I'll let you know what I've been up to.

Till then, take care. I'll be in touch.