Sunday, August 26, 2012

Eve of Change

Ok, so obviously I lied. I just haven't made the effort to sit down and write.

The blog started as my therapy. As a way to help me deal and internalize what I went through in my previous relationship. Because, basically, that was the bottom line: I hadn't been able to deal with and comprehend what I had gone through with my ex. Now, though, I'm at a much better place in my life. I'll go into a bit more detail at another time but for now, on this eve of change, I find myself nervous.

Sunday nights are always a bit tricky for me. After having a break during the weekend, the upcoming work week isn't always an exciting thing to look forward to. But tonight, of all nights, I'm nervous due to another very nerve-racking reason: my baby starts her first day of school tomorrow.

Yup, it's that moment that all parents fear. It's the beginning of my baby's independence, of her exposure to the outside world. Sure, she's been in daycare for awhile already but school's different. I'd prefer her to stay in daycare till she was eighteen...but I know that's impossible.

So, months ago, I started preparing her. Letting her know that she was going to be heading to the 'big school' now. We went to buy her uniforms. I let her choose her shoes. I let her help me gather her school supplies. She picked the pinkest backpack. I, along with several family members, talked to her about strangers and inappropriate touching. I kept on reminding her that she would be attending 'real' school now. I took her to meet her new teacher. And all the while, my heart was beating at a million miles per hour. My lil girl was going to start her adventure into the world, and I know the journey would get rough one day.

Then tonight, as I put her to sleep earlier than usual, I spoke to her about how she would have to get up early. I let her know that the school now had a bell system and she couldn't be late. I told her about the other children that would be crying. She turned to me and asked, "Why would they be crying, Mommy?" I explained to her that these children weren't used to being away from their mommies and they would be scared. She then asked whether she had to cry too. I told her that she didn't, that perhaps she could show them that there was nothing to be scared about. I let her know that I would be picking her up after school but also reminded her that the following week she would be going to the after school daycare. All this she listened to intently and then said, "Ok, Mommy. Good night. I love you," then turned around and fell fast asleep. As I lay there, again my heart pounding away, I realized that my kiddo was more ready for school than I was.

And that is why I'm here now. Because I can't sleep. Because I work in a job where I get glimpses as to what  can happen in schools. Because I know that the youth aren't as naive and innocent as they were years and years back. But it's a passage of life and I'm gonna be there right next to my baby helping her as much as I possibly can.

We all have to grow up at some point or another. And just like my mother did when I was a kid, I'm gonna take my lil girl to her first day of school and smile as brightly as I can and let her know that I love her and give her my blessing. Then I'll go back to my car and cry my eyes out on my way to work.

But that's the way it works. She's gonna be just fine, as so will I.

it's amazing how fast time flies by

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