Friday, July 14, 2017

Back to One


I'm usually really good at putting my feelings to paper. I've always managed to find the words to express myself accurately. At this point in time, I can't. So, this letter will be just a hurling of anger and pain. Deal with it. 

For so long I've managed to keep myself sane. For years I've kept men at arm's length, letting them get near only for the sake of feeding the flesh. Until you came into the picture. On my blog, I've mentioned a couple of individuals with whom I felt I had made a deep connection with but in all honestly, they all pale in comparison to you. I can't even put them in the same boat as were half a world ahead of them. 

At the beginning, you commented on how cold I was. You pointed out how aloof I came across in my responses to your beginning attempts at establishing communication. You were one of the many to me. You didn't deserve more than that. But you always joked, 'cuando te enamores de mi', and I would laugh because you had no idea who you were even trying to get involved with. I had thought myself made of ice, but the joke was really on me. 

It'd be one thing to say that I built all this relationship in my head. That I probably read more into it than actually was but no, you fed into it as much as I did. I didn't even realize when I let you in and by then it had been too late. I had made it clear in the beginning that I hated lies. For all my mistakes and wrongs that I've done in my life, I've always been up front about them. I'm pretty much an open book but only give importance of what others think about me to a select few. You grew to be one of those people because those lies got you what you wanted. 'White lies' were how you fondly referred to them. Those damned white lies ended up making me completely blind to the reality that you knew exactly what you were doing. 

I gave myself willingly and openly. You have no idea how difficult it had been for me to do such a thing. Sure I've dated and considered myself in 'relationships' since leaving the ex but I had never considered any of them anything special. Even when I agreed to carry the title girlfriend, I never gave myself completely. I have yet to explain why I did so with you. I have yet to understand why I let myself be so blind. 

Let this be a lesson to those reading; if anyone ever tells you 'la persona que se quede contigo, va estar bien bendecía' that person telling you that is not expecting, nor trying, to be that person. Run. Don't even waste your breath on asking, 'if I'm such a fucken blessing, why the fuck wouldn't you want to be that person?'  I tried it. The response wasn't even worth my time. 

Another thing, when they start trying to give you pointers on how to be warm and open with others in the future, they're not in it for the long haul. 'Don't be cold. Be open like you were with me.' Fucker, you weren't just anyone. But eventually you'll be just another face in my past, and this post will be hard to read in the future when I realize just how dumb I was to have wasted my time on you. 

I'm pissed. I'm hurt and although you mentioned never wanting to hurt me and how you weren't in the right frame of mind, you did just that. You hurt me. Big.Time. 

Then for it to end with silence. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? I wasn't worth the time to even be told 'hey, fuck off. It's not gonna happen.' Nope. Nada. I've told myself I'll block your number but I can't. I just can't get myself to do it. 

For so long, I've never questioned my self-worth. I know what I have to offer a man and I know who I am as a person. But having gone through this, it's made me falter. It's made me feel like crap. Congrats to you. Whatever game you were playing, you won. It's made me ask stupid pathetic questions of what is wrong with me. I wanna know why I wasn't good enough. They're questions asked through tears and with an urgency to find the answers as to why the hell me. 

Did I deserve this? I probably did. I haven't always been the nicest person in the world but I've never played with others. But, it's another lesson learned. 

I still find it funny how you managed to tell me how I'll find someone worth my time in the future. It's assholes like you that made me to be who I was before. I miss that me. The one who laughed easily. The one who smiled and didn't have to fight back the tears that were lingering at the corners of my eyes. The one who would see others in relationships and easily continue on with my day without flinching. The one who would hear music and not give a crap about the lyrics. The one who wasn't scared of the thought of being alone. WI wish I was who I was before I met you. If only you had been honest since the very beginning, I wouldn't have given you a second glance. I would not have given you the time of day because I would have known from the beginning how it would turn out. I would've gladly continued on my merry way. But no, even you knew I wouldn't have talked to you and that's why you purposely lied. But you didn't play with me, right? Mmm hmm. Ok. 

But alas, things never turn out the way one wants them to turn out. They end up being the way they need to be. For some reason, you arrived to kick my ass and you did a fantastic job. Eventually, hopefully in the near future, I'll go back to being who I was before. There's no reason to change or be different. No one has provided me with enough reason to be open and inviting. 

If for whatever reason, you end up reading this, I hope you feel these words. You weren't different. You were the same as everyone else that has passed before. 

You wanted to break the ice. You wanted to prove that I could care and could feel and that being cold was just a facade. You were wrong. You have no idea what cold is. 

What you considered cold before is nothing to what you'll experience should we ever run into each other. I'm not one for drama, but I'll make sure you feel like you never existed. That's just how freakin' petty I am. 

I hope to never hear from you again. May our paths never cross. 

Anyways, this concludes this rant and this episode in my life. 


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