After hearing it over and over, from a variety of people, it still hadn't really clicked in her head. She still couldn't make herself accept the truth. It was a difficult pill to swallow. She had been used. There hadn't ever been a need for her but for his sheer enjoyment. How was she supposed to deal with that grain of reality? She wasn't doing such a good job.
She sat down at the edge of her bed, her head in her hands, lightly tugging at her hair...when all she really wanted to do was pull it all out. She wasn't going to lose it. She was doing just fine. That's what kept repeating in her head over and over again. 'I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm gonna get through this.' Somehow, the words didn't break past her haze of oblivion. How could this have happened...again?!
He had seemed nice. He had come off as normal. Her hope, and intense need for human contact, had immediately come to surface when he came into the picture. See, not all guys were the same. There were some that were actually decent; they saw her as a person instead of an overeager puppy dog. He's gonna respect her, for sure. He wasn't capable of hurting her. She had been wrong. So, so, so, so, very wrong. Again. She had been used again. It was like starting over from square one. Again.
It was all her fault. She had been too eager to please. The past had dealt her some harsh realities and she was so ready to find a ray of sunshine. Those still existed, right? She ran into him and saw potential; in him she saw a difference from what she had found in the other one. She had been wrong. She gave in too easy. She jumped whenever he snapped his fingers. She agreed even when the voice inside her head screamed otherwise. She accepted things she'd never have gone for before, or ever would. She did it all, while wearing her heart on her sleeve, hoping that this time around, it would be different. It was all the same.
To give him credit, it had started off differently. Their connection had held a different scent from the other one. In the end, which was what mattered the most, it all turned out to be the same. She had been discarded, categorized as 'for a good time' and wasn't given priority over anything. When he'd get bored, she'd be the one he looked for. When he got needy, she's the one he turned to for reassurance. When he needed something, she was the one he could depend on. Meanwhile she was doing it with all the right intentions, he was selfishly setting out to fulfill his. The same thing, yet again.
She felt the tears start caressing her cheeks, as the humiliation and pain started to tumble out. How could she have been so stupid? Hadn't she learned anything? Why couldn't she have seen what everyone else could clearly see? All these questions popped up and stabbed her while she crumbled onto her bed as the waves of self-pity rolled over her.
As with every severe rainstorm, in the end, the sun comes out again. Again, just like it's been doing forever. She slowly made herself sit up. She looked across the room at the mirror on her wall. Remember this feeling. Remember what happened. Once should have been enough; twice better be the limit. She wasn't going to be anyone's toy anymore. What happened to her self-worth? Was she worth this? Was it worth her shedding tears for someone who didn't even know what, or how, she felt? Did she deserve this shit? 'Take this as a lesson learned, hun, it sure better not happen again'...and she stood up to dress for the day.
Life goes on. It's too short to spend it on people who aren't worth it. It's also too short to spend it playing games. Self-worth is too precious of a thing to cast aside for anyone. Chalk it up to insanity. Lesson learned.
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