Confessions

About a month ago, I started to notice that life was getting to be a bit much for me. I don't know when it all crept in but pretty soon I found myself in a pretty deep funk. Usually before these type of episodes, there will be some kind of trigger. Something went wrong with a relationship, financial obstacles, work-related incident...something. What worried me this time was that there was nothing I could pinpoint and say 'this is what's bothering me'. I can't say that I've ever been confronted with such a predicament. It was scary.

The reality was that it had all finally caught up with me. I guess you can only run so far before you trip and fall.  I'm not into sharing too much info on myself, partly because I don't want to bore you and partly because, even if I tried to explain, it wouldn't really make much sense. The way I had managed to survive at the beginning was not working out for me anymore. I had coped with certain issues in my life by permanently setting them on the back burner. I didn't think about them. I worked a lot, was out and about with my lil girl, and was always visiting family members or friends. I was still living at home at the time, so that afforded me some distraction as well. There was always something going on and I didn't allow myself much time to sit and analyze. It worked pretty well...a bit toooo well. So when things slowed down a bit at work, I moved into my own place, and random visits to family/friends tapered off, it allowed the tidal waves of repressed emotions to coming crashing in. And boy did they crash in.

The thing I fought the most was the fact that I wasn't going to be able to handle this one by myself. I'm a reserved person and asking for help isn't easy for me. A lot of people don't really know me. Apart from not giving off the best first impressions, my dark sarcasm is a very had pill to swallow for a variety of people in my life. I can try to say that I attempt to control it but in reality, I really can't. It comes out naturally and many people don't understand it, can't deal with it, and just plain hate it. To apologize would mean that I knowingly did something wrong, so I rarely if ever do. Again, it's a defense mechanism that manifested itself without my knowing. But if there is a silver lining to this dark cloud, it's that I wasn't always like this. At some point in time, I was pleasant. I allowed vulnerability to exist. I wasn't always embracing the 'I'll get you before you get me' mentality.

But sometimes there will be that one person that will forever impact your life. It really just takes one freakin person to cloud your view on everything. Sometimes it's impossible to come back from some situations unscathed. And so, I went through what I went through and I did get through it. But I ain't the same as before and I guess that's what finally caught up to me. My way of living, thinking, existing, which were so foreign to me just a while back, have become so second nature, I've intertwined myself in something that I really am not.

So, I was forced to face all my truths...all that my life had turned into. It was not pretty, it was not easy to accept, it was not at all fun, and it's not over. Well, at least I have a freakin starting point. The only thing that really, truly scares me is to eventually find out that the person that existed before I met the devil incarnate, died a while back. Then I honestly don't know where that'd leave me because the person I am now isn't even the real me. It looks like it's gonna be a long road back home.