My friend came into my office this morning, and as soon as she sat down-I didn't get to ask her how she was doing-she broke down. I didn't have to ask what was wrong or what happened. I knew the look on her face when she walked in. After her crying spell was done, she looked at me and smiled. That timid smile that signals the invite for the onslaught of encouraging words: it's going to be okay, you're not alone, the days will get better. I tried to force myself to say all the expected things. What really ended coming out was: It's going to get worse before it gets better. It's not going to be easy. But after everything is finally done, you'll be okay. My friend knows how I am. She understands I won't be the one bullshitting her. So she just nodded and starred at the floor.
We went out to lunch and I studied her behavior. She'd look around the room with hope and confidence in her eyes. Then I'd see that flicker of fear that really lived behind her stare. It's that fear of: 'what if that was really it?' 'What am I going to do?' 'I can really do this...right?' I'd notice that she'd continually reassure herself that she didn't need him in her life. She'd be better off without him anyways. During the rest of the day, she laughed and joked around. The fear always lingered in her gaze. She knew that at night, when the day had finally gone to bed, she was going to have to face the reality of the situation. Then that would be the hardest time. Yet next to the fear, there was her determination to not fall to pieces. I understood every single emotion written on her face and greatly admired her for her resiliency (or her attempt at it).
No matter how many times we've had our hearts broken, there's always the faint hint of hope that this time around, it'll be different and it'll finally be the one that lasts. Love is mean. It can twist a person so much so that it's impossible to go back to normal. My friend saw the evil side of that figment. It'll be tearing her apart for a while. It'll repair and it'll salvage some but not all. Ain't that nice...
When one's in that abyss, it's hard to imagine that the day when it all subsides even exists. But that revered day will come to pass. The hardest part is pushing through the smog. After the clearing, most will come out having learned a thing or two. It's those individuals that didn't learn anything that you have to keep an eye out for. They're the ones that start the whole roller coaster again, just with a different rider.
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