Let Me Explain:

I don't make excuses for the way I think or the way I express myself...but I will excuse myself as to why I write ridiculously long entries. I had a very easy time writing papers in school due to the fact that I never really learned when to stop writing. Short entries make sense, I understand no one has hours to read a blog (we all have better things to do) BUT my pieces capture exactly what it is that I want to express at this very moment and they don't even take an hour to dish out. And as a secret between me and you, some of these are written at work after I'm done with all my duties. I swear I'm an excellent employee, it's just that sometimes I have to capture my thoughts before they escape. So anyways, before I start rambling again, my pieces serve a purpose; if not to entertain you, it's my form of therapy...it's cheaper than visiting a therapist, I can tell you that much.

No reason for pic of horses. They're just so pretty...

Oh Danny Boy



Good times with the family at Danny's.

 Danny's Restaurant...good food, good company, good fun. I know that's not their slogan, I honestly dunno what is but I do know one thing: Danny's is big in my family.

I'm not even kidding. My family and I have been eating at Danny's since back when my little brother was in still in diapers, that's been about eighteen years now. Seriously, I'm not even exaggerating. I can't say I've eaten at every Danny's in Laredo (it's constantly growing and I can't keep track of the new places) but there's one I frequent on a weekly basis. The one on San Bernardo has been my family's choice of eatery since back in the day when it was still located where La Roca is now (okay, I know it's not that long ago but it seems like a long time to me).

Recent Visitor

There are some moments when it feels like it'd be so much easier to not care and just give in. It'd be nice to close my eyes again and just go with the flow. It's something I've done before but it didn't turn out so well last time. The past came to visit a couple of days ago. I had been pretty consistent with keeping it at bay but this time it wasn't all that easy. I gave in. I gave in willingly; it just felt natural...I had done it so many times before. While in the throes of that flashback, life didn't seem so hard. Time had significance again. I gripped it as hard as I possibly could, thoroughly enjoying the feel of security in my hands. But alas, time is very cruel and it finished, just like it always had. As I let go of the vise grip I had on that piece of my past, I realized that it just wouldn't fit in my present life. I was not willing to make the effort to do so. I can't say it wasn't hard to say goodbye again. It hurt. It made me feel guilty. But I was stronger than I was the first time around. I found that I wasn't the same. It's so ridiculous how much I've been tested and tempted but I've gotten through them pretty well. I can say this though, I look forward to when the past revisits. I'll welcome it with open arms...it was a nice ride.

December 24, 2004

****While having our weekly family powwow in the kitchen of my dad’s house, he brought out this priceless piece of writing. I didn’t even know it existed. It was his recount of that enchanted Christmas eve back in 2004. While I read it aloud for my brothers, their girlfriends, the close family friend, and my dad to hear you could feel the intense feeling of longing and sadness that this story conjured up. My parents are now divorced, my brother is currently living in another state, and life is not as kind as it was before; but in our melancholy state we found what has kept us strong through our trials and tribulations: the fact that family is our priority. As long as we have that, the obstacles life has in store for us cannot and will not do much damage.

P.S. I love it how my dad referred to my brothers and me as ‘kids’. In 2004 I was already 22, my oldest brother was 20, my other brother was 18, and the baby of the family was 14. No longer were we kids but since we were never really a rebellious bunch, I guess he still felt comfortable with seeing us as ‘kids’…he’s a special man, my father, he really is. Enjoy.****

     It was a Friday morning. I woke up with the thought of having to go to HEB to buy the things we were going to need for our annual Christmas Eve gathering at my mother’s house that night. We also planned on going to the acres to bring pieces of wood to burn while we made the carne asada and the kids lit their fireworks.

     Every year since our kids were born, we have gathered, along with my sister and brothers’ families, at my mother’s house for Christmas and New Year Eve. On Thursday afternoon we had gone to the fireworks stand on highway 59 to buy the fireworks that the kids were to light up on these nights. This is a family tradition that we have done every year. The fireworks purchased usually consisted of ground bloomers, satellites, morning glories, jumping jacks, roman candles, smoke balls, sparklers, and bottle rockets. This year, however, my sons had purchased some powerful fireworks. The kind that go up and explode with a loud boom and light up the sky with beautiful patterns of color such as the ones seen at a Fourth of July fireworks display.

     Around 11:00am, my wife and I went to the HEB Mercado to buy all the stuff needed for the gathering. We arrived home around noon and told the kids that all of us were going to the acres to bring wood. The acres are located outside the city limits on Highway 59. The kids, my daughter and two sons, were not too enthused on going to the acres, but we told them that everyone had to go. Our other son and his girlfriend were working at the time at Lin’s.

     As we headed off to the acres, we were listening to the radio. It was around 35 degrees and the weather forecast had indicated a slight chance of precipitation in the form of sleet or flurries. We were excited with the mere fact that it was in the forecast but our hope of seeing any of it was not very high. It was at the intersection of Highway 59 and Loop 20 (Bob Bullock Blvd), where we caught our first glimpse of snow flurries. We were waiting for the traffic light to change, when a dark colored car turned in front of us. You could see the small pellets of snow falling against the car’s rear window.

A Year's Journey

It’s been one helluva year. I think this was the year I finally became an adult. December 18, 2009 I started to live the life I should’ve always been living.

It was a rainy, gloomy Friday and I hadn’t slept well through the night. I had an idea of what the day was going to bring and I wasn’t all too sure I was going to be able to get through it. I got up to go to the restroom and my husband had asked me if I was going to be going to work today. I had taken two days off from work saying I had too many annual leave hours that I needed to use them before I lost them. That was a big lie because I had already turned in my letter of resignation a month ago, and my last official day had been on Tuesday. I told him I wasn’t going to go in that day either and he immediately knew something was up. He asked me what was going on and I didn’t know how to tell him what I was going to be doing but I was finally able to spit it out “I’m leaving. I’m going back home.” At first, he looked at me like I was crazy and asked me to repeat what I had said, so there I went again “I’m leaving you. I’m going back home. My dad is going to be picking me up at 10am.” And that’s where he reacted. He asked me if I was crazy, why was I doing this, did I realize that if I left that would definitely be the end of us, how could I not tell him, why was I taking away his daughter…the questions were endless. I just stood there, looking at him, gauging his reaction, thinking about whether my dad was finally going to see me with a busted lip or bruised eye (I had done a pretty good job of hiding them before). It didn’t happen. My husband got up from the bed, started getting dressed because he was going to be going to work (which he hadn’t done in months). Meanwhile he was crying and telling me to give him another chance. He asked me to think things through. He promised me that things would be different and that he was going to work on it. He begged me to not leave him alone and take his little girl away. All the while, I was standing at the foot of the bed, not able to even muster up a tear or two. I didn’t feel anything. I was completely hollow and literally blank. I explained to him that I had no job, I had already told all my family that I was leaving him, and my father was already on his way to go and pick me up. There was nothing else I could do.

I Surrender

     Life made sense today. While on my weekly drive to Freer, I had an epiphany of sorts. It's not too often when I have moments like that, but I was granted one today.
     Driving, as with writing and reading, is my escape. I love to drive. It doesn't matter whether it be within city limits or to other cities or states, I love to do it. While driving, I get to take a breather and reconnect with things I lost touch with a long time ago. On these trips, music is my only companion. It's way better than actually having a person with me. Usually they're either complaining about  my driving or trying to make small talk and I can't really focus on two things. It's either get to my destination or make intelligent conversation and I'm a fan of getting there in one piece.
     My moment this morning, came when I least expected it. I put in a CD that I hadn't listened to in a long time. I kinda avoided it, knowing certain memories were tied to it. I decided the time had come to finally face them head-on. Instead of being filled with longing and sadness, I was surprised to find that only relief and comfort were present. It was one of those moments where everything is crystal clear. Where you wanna embrace the feeling tightly, because you know it's not gonna hang around for too long. I actually wanted to cry. It's been a long time since I've cried, not necessarily because I've avoided it, but because I hadn't actually felt the want/need to do it. I didn't end up shedding a tear but my eyes did get watery...I guess that's progress.
     I realized that I am where I'm supposed to be. The situations that I've gone through, the lessons I've learned, the steps I've taken: they've all lead me to where I am now. It's a year. I MADE IT A YEAR. So, the final piece of the puzzle was put in its place today. It feels like I shed my shriveled, tired, dead skin on that highway this morning. I left the old me behind with the cacti and tumbleweeds; I let go of that burden I carried these past 365 days. The walls and barriers that were put in place for self-preservation came crashing down while on my journey to my destination. It was definitely a good morning. Life is good. 


*I know it must be annoying already, who cares about the year. Everyone goes through their own situations and face their own demons. The time has come for me to finally face and fight mine. Nothing is simple so I know hitting the year marker isn't going to be my only obstacle in life, but I see that while there will always be hardships, one should never shut down and turn a blind eye to the situation. I have started the healing process. Yay.

Daily Living-Part 2

"It'll be a year next Saturday."
She nods, "You made it, you're definitely out of that."


Yes I am. I did make it. I'm still standing.

Life's Lessons

*December is a huge month for me. Christmas is wonderful and everything but December marks a year since I took the biggest step in my life. I wrote this piece back in September and it's interesting to see how time changes things. Just wanted to share this.*

    
     Have you ever told yourself, if I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently? A lot of situations come to mind when I think of that sentence. Of course I would have done things differently. Hindsight is always 20/20, right? I wouldn’t think I’d be ready to write about a subject like this one for some time. Wounds are still open, but they’re the type of cuts that with just one tap they start oozing pus. Yeah, I would say they’re infected, but I’m constantly layering them with antibiotics and they’re on the mend. In a couple of days, it’ll be nine months since I started living this new life of mine. Nine months since I made the biggest decision of my life. People have told me it’s the best decision I’ve ever made, but no one knows what it’s been like to walk in my shoes. Of course, everyone might have an idea, but they’ll never really understand the difficulties or the heartbreak. Here it goes:
     Nine months ago, I was still married. Nine months ago, I was still the better half to someone else. I was still living with my husband of five years. Now, to be technical about it all, we were never legally married but I didn’t need to have that piece of paper to tell me that my life was intertwined with someone else’s. My husband was a huge part of my life.

Baby

My lil girl has a stuffed animal that she carries with her wherever she goes. This dog came into the picture out of sheer necessity. She was six-months-old and I was visiting Laredo. It was the first time my father was going to be meeting his first and only grand-daughter (sad, I know). It was June and the heat was already in full swing. My lil girl wasn't used to Laredo weather, having never been in the city before. It was suffice to say that she was having a very hard time adjusting and was very fussy. My room at the time was being used as storage and I was in desperate need of anything to entertain her so I chose this lil puppy that belonged to my sister-in-law. It had been given to her for Valentine's day and I guess it didn't meet her standards so she had it tossed out of her room. Giving it to my daughter was my salvation...it was love at first sight for her.

My First Cleaning Trolley

Notice the 'Girls Only' stamp...

While shopping at a local Dollar General, I ran into this nifty lil toy. I don't remember these existing back in the day. Dunno if I'm a fan or not. Even though, yes, my daughter would probably have a ball with this thing, I know I can't make myself buy her this thing. To each their own, I understand, but this ain't gonna be under my Christmas tree. By the way, it's a real steal at 12 bucks.

My Christmas Wish

     I love to read. Reading to me is the best thing in the entire world. Whenever I pick up a book, I know whether I’m gonna like it within reading the first page. If after the first page I continue, I’m hooked. I swear I won’t put that book down until it’s done.  I won’t feel like my life is complete until I have read the last word. It’s a quality that only I possess in my immediate family. My brothers find it a chore to read more than a paragraph and if it doesn’t have pictures, forget it. My mother makes me read and then summarize it for her so she doesn’t have to do it. My father doesn’t make the effort to pick up a book because he can’t make himself sit still long enough to read it. I am the only ‘nerd’ in the family.

     I can get addicted to a book so badly that I basically blur everything around me. The TV can be on, the radio, family can be talking around me, people can be walking by me, the ambulance could be passing by, and none of this do I notice. I swear it’s like I’m absorbed into the book. This is the main reason why, in the past three years, I haven’t been able to sit down and read a book in peace. With my daughter, I can’t exactly tune her out. Even if I really wanted too, she wouldn’t allow it. She’d make damn sure her presence would be acknowledged. So I haven't read comfortably in over three years but I've managed to steal a couple of moments here and there and read a book or two.

Mi Corazon

I have a heart. Granted it’s not perfect or pretty. It was torn apart and tossed in the garbage like a used up band-aid. I fought the urge to leave it there because it didn’t deserve such treatment. It got me into trouble in the first place; my head knew better than it did. But sometimes we have to take risks and so I decided this time I would follow what the heart wanted. Yeah, it didn’t turn out so well. So, in the end, there I went  scavenging through the nasty heap of trash only to find it had been shredded into a million pieces. I carefully took the time to search through every single discarded item but in the end, I wasn’t able to find all the parts. I carried this poor, sad pile of debris home, hoping that just maybe I would be able to get it to be whole in some way or another. Unfortunately, what I came up with didn’t make even half of the heart that I had before. Still, it’s something more than what I had a couple of months ago. So here I present to you…my sad, tortured, beaten, angry remnants of a heart. It’s as good as it’s going to get.