I don’t give myself enough credit for being the person that I am today. The fact that I haven’t been able to internalize everything that I’ve been through, stops me from fully accepting myself as a strong individual. Whenever I start thinking about what I went through and how I’m managed to get out of it, I stop myself from feeling proud by thinking that I’m not the only one who has ever gone through this. There are many, many women who have been in my shoes before. But I’m not them. They’re not me. We’re all different and I have to understand that what I’m managed to do with my life is an awesome thing. The fact that I haven’t turned back, even when the chance was there, I didn’t do it. I have continued to walk forward and even though I’ve tripped and fallen along the way, I’ve gotten pretty far.
I’ve always been a pretty serious person. I’ve always considered myself pretty reserved and conservative and part of it comes from my upbringing. The other part comes from the reality that it’s my nature to be such a person. I’m not a wild child, even though I have been rebellious and curious in my yesteryear, that was part of growing up. Now as a mature adult, I should know better. My only excuse is the fact that I still haven’t dealt with my past. To be completely honest, I've completely detached myself from having any connection with the male species. I guess the whole reason as to why I haven’t found someone who will be the 'right one' is the fact that I haven’t yet found out who I am. The only thing that I do understand is that I’m a strong woman. I had the chance to go back to my ex and I’m not going to lie, there were a variety of times when I thought it would be the best thing for me. I tried to picture myself living that life again and I just couldn’t do it. I don’t deserve that. I’m not whole, point has already been made, but I know I’m more put together than I have been in a long time.
I remember sitting on his mother’s porch and looking around at his family members. I never thought I was better than anyone of them, but I knew I wanted something different. I didn’t want to carry the look of defeat they all carried. I didn’t want to settle and deal with what was handed to me. I wanted to continue to fight, to struggle for something better. I knew I deserved it. When I thought about going back, I knew I wasn’t going to fit in anymore. I never did in the first place because they had long ago given up at being happy. They had long ago given up their hope at a better tomorrow. That has been something that I have never given up: hope. I think that’s the main thing that helped me stay with my ex for so many years. I had hope that things would change, that they would get better. Sometimes hope just makes you a little too blind and it makes you overlook things that you should really be paying attention to.
I got out. I left that life. I left it all behind and decided to take life by the horns and fucking ride the shit out of it. I haven’t really been doing that, now have I. I want my life in order. I want to be financial sound and ready for my future with my child. I want to be strong enough to understand that there will always be hiccups along the road to happiness but that everything works out in the end. I never thought, for the life of me, that I would be rid of my ex. I thought he was going to make my life a living hell. I will not let that happen. I will be happy and I will be optimistic about my future and my life. I deserve good things in life because I know I’m a good person. I have always been putting others before me, and now it’s expected what with my daughter and all but i will be strong and stand up for what I want in life.
I will be okay. I am okay. I will survive because after all that I have been through, it’s just too fucking late to lay down and die. I will not give up hope, I will not give in, I will be stronger and wiser as I continue forward. Time heals all wounds and I most certainly will recover from this as well. My shield will come down. I will allow myself the opportunity to expect nice things for myself and for my child. I will be positive and happy and give thanks where it should be given because without Him, nothing would be possible. Without Him, I would not have been allowed the opportunity to live again, to be born with the chance of a more beautiful tomorrow. So, in the end, yes, I have made mistakes along the way since I was freed but I will open my eyes more. My footsteps will still be cautious and soft but I will be taking them forward and will bring my wall down. I know things will get better and I will be happy. I am okay. I am doing well. I will be okay. We will be just fine.
I’ve always been a pretty serious person. I’ve always considered myself pretty reserved and conservative and part of it comes from my upbringing. The other part comes from the reality that it’s my nature to be such a person. I’m not a wild child, even though I have been rebellious and curious in my yesteryear, that was part of growing up. Now as a mature adult, I should know better. My only excuse is the fact that I still haven’t dealt with my past. To be completely honest, I've completely detached myself from having any connection with the male species. I guess the whole reason as to why I haven’t found someone who will be the 'right one' is the fact that I haven’t yet found out who I am. The only thing that I do understand is that I’m a strong woman. I had the chance to go back to my ex and I’m not going to lie, there were a variety of times when I thought it would be the best thing for me. I tried to picture myself living that life again and I just couldn’t do it. I don’t deserve that. I’m not whole, point has already been made, but I know I’m more put together than I have been in a long time.
I remember sitting on his mother’s porch and looking around at his family members. I never thought I was better than anyone of them, but I knew I wanted something different. I didn’t want to carry the look of defeat they all carried. I didn’t want to settle and deal with what was handed to me. I wanted to continue to fight, to struggle for something better. I knew I deserved it. When I thought about going back, I knew I wasn’t going to fit in anymore. I never did in the first place because they had long ago given up at being happy. They had long ago given up their hope at a better tomorrow. That has been something that I have never given up: hope. I think that’s the main thing that helped me stay with my ex for so many years. I had hope that things would change, that they would get better. Sometimes hope just makes you a little too blind and it makes you overlook things that you should really be paying attention to.
I got out. I left that life. I left it all behind and decided to take life by the horns and fucking ride the shit out of it. I haven’t really been doing that, now have I. I want my life in order. I want to be financial sound and ready for my future with my child. I want to be strong enough to understand that there will always be hiccups along the road to happiness but that everything works out in the end. I never thought, for the life of me, that I would be rid of my ex. I thought he was going to make my life a living hell. I will not let that happen. I will be happy and I will be optimistic about my future and my life. I deserve good things in life because I know I’m a good person. I have always been putting others before me, and now it’s expected what with my daughter and all but i will be strong and stand up for what I want in life.
I will be okay. I am okay. I will survive because after all that I have been through, it’s just too fucking late to lay down and die. I will not give up hope, I will not give in, I will be stronger and wiser as I continue forward. Time heals all wounds and I most certainly will recover from this as well. My shield will come down. I will allow myself the opportunity to expect nice things for myself and for my child. I will be positive and happy and give thanks where it should be given because without Him, nothing would be possible. Without Him, I would not have been allowed the opportunity to live again, to be born with the chance of a more beautiful tomorrow. So, in the end, yes, I have made mistakes along the way since I was freed but I will open my eyes more. My footsteps will still be cautious and soft but I will be taking them forward and will bring my wall down. I know things will get better and I will be happy. I am okay. I am doing well. I will be okay. We will be just fine.
1 comment:
I've read your blog before (and commented somewhere along the way) but I had never seen this post. I've been there. I've had the same thoughts. However, those other people were just empty shells for me. Sometimes the past seems like a movie. Its unbelievable and kind of unbearable to fathom. Que sera, sera. Its doesn't seem worth it to go through a library of reminiscent mourning. But, I thought I'd comment cause I thought it was strange and slightly comforting (for me) to know that someone gets it. As sucky as it might have been. At least someone understands. Maybe its time for a more light hear-ted kind of movie for me? For whatever its worth, thanks. : )
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