Let Me Explain:

I don't make excuses for the way I think or the way I express myself...but I will excuse myself as to why I write ridiculously long entries. I had a very easy time writing papers in school due to the fact that I never really learned when to stop writing. Short entries make sense, I understand no one has hours to read a blog (we all have better things to do) BUT my pieces capture exactly what it is that I want to express at this very moment and they don't even take an hour to dish out. And as a secret between me and you, some of these are written at work after I'm done with all my duties. I swear I'm an excellent employee, it's just that sometimes I have to capture my thoughts before they escape. So anyways, before I start rambling again, my pieces serve a purpose; if not to entertain you, it's my form of therapy...it's cheaper than visiting a therapist, I can tell you that much.

No reason for pic of horses. They're just so pretty...

Oh Danny Boy



Good times with the family at Danny's.

 Danny's Restaurant...good food, good company, good fun. I know that's not their slogan, I honestly dunno what is but I do know one thing: Danny's is big in my family.

I'm not even kidding. My family and I have been eating at Danny's since back when my little brother was in still in diapers, that's been about eighteen years now. Seriously, I'm not even exaggerating. I can't say I've eaten at every Danny's in Laredo (it's constantly growing and I can't keep track of the new places) but there's one I frequent on a weekly basis. The one on San Bernardo has been my family's choice of eatery since back in the day when it was still located where La Roca is now (okay, I know it's not that long ago but it seems like a long time to me).

Recent Visitor

There are some moments when it feels like it'd be so much easier to not care and just give in. It'd be nice to close my eyes again and just go with the flow. It's something I've done before but it didn't turn out so well last time. The past came to visit a couple of days ago. I had been pretty consistent with keeping it at bay but this time it wasn't all that easy. I gave in. I gave in willingly; it just felt natural...I had done it so many times before. While in the throes of that flashback, life didn't seem so hard. Time had significance again. I gripped it as hard as I possibly could, thoroughly enjoying the feel of security in my hands. But alas, time is very cruel and it finished, just like it always had. As I let go of the vise grip I had on that piece of my past, I realized that it just wouldn't fit in my present life. I was not willing to make the effort to do so. I can't say it wasn't hard to say goodbye again. It hurt. It made me feel guilty. But I was stronger than I was the first time around. I found that I wasn't the same. It's so ridiculous how much I've been tested and tempted but I've gotten through them pretty well. I can say this though, I look forward to when the past revisits. I'll welcome it with open arms...it was a nice ride.

December 24, 2004

****While having our weekly family powwow in the kitchen of my dad’s house, he brought out this priceless piece of writing. I didn’t even know it existed. It was his recount of that enchanted Christmas eve back in 2004. While I read it aloud for my brothers, their girlfriends, the close family friend, and my dad to hear you could feel the intense feeling of longing and sadness that this story conjured up. My parents are now divorced, my brother is currently living in another state, and life is not as kind as it was before; but in our melancholy state we found what has kept us strong through our trials and tribulations: the fact that family is our priority. As long as we have that, the obstacles life has in store for us cannot and will not do much damage.

P.S. I love it how my dad referred to my brothers and me as ‘kids’. In 2004 I was already 22, my oldest brother was 20, my other brother was 18, and the baby of the family was 14. No longer were we kids but since we were never really a rebellious bunch, I guess he still felt comfortable with seeing us as ‘kids’…he’s a special man, my father, he really is. Enjoy.****

     It was a Friday morning. I woke up with the thought of having to go to HEB to buy the things we were going to need for our annual Christmas Eve gathering at my mother’s house that night. We also planned on going to the acres to bring pieces of wood to burn while we made the carne asada and the kids lit their fireworks.

     Every year since our kids were born, we have gathered, along with my sister and brothers’ families, at my mother’s house for Christmas and New Year Eve. On Thursday afternoon we had gone to the fireworks stand on highway 59 to buy the fireworks that the kids were to light up on these nights. This is a family tradition that we have done every year. The fireworks purchased usually consisted of ground bloomers, satellites, morning glories, jumping jacks, roman candles, smoke balls, sparklers, and bottle rockets. This year, however, my sons had purchased some powerful fireworks. The kind that go up and explode with a loud boom and light up the sky with beautiful patterns of color such as the ones seen at a Fourth of July fireworks display.

     Around 11:00am, my wife and I went to the HEB Mercado to buy all the stuff needed for the gathering. We arrived home around noon and told the kids that all of us were going to the acres to bring wood. The acres are located outside the city limits on Highway 59. The kids, my daughter and two sons, were not too enthused on going to the acres, but we told them that everyone had to go. Our other son and his girlfriend were working at the time at Lin’s.

     As we headed off to the acres, we were listening to the radio. It was around 35 degrees and the weather forecast had indicated a slight chance of precipitation in the form of sleet or flurries. We were excited with the mere fact that it was in the forecast but our hope of seeing any of it was not very high. It was at the intersection of Highway 59 and Loop 20 (Bob Bullock Blvd), where we caught our first glimpse of snow flurries. We were waiting for the traffic light to change, when a dark colored car turned in front of us. You could see the small pellets of snow falling against the car’s rear window.

A Year's Journey

It’s been one helluva year. I think this was the year I finally became an adult. December 18, 2009 I started to live the life I should’ve always been living.

It was a rainy, gloomy Friday and I hadn’t slept well through the night. I had an idea of what the day was going to bring and I wasn’t all too sure I was going to be able to get through it. I got up to go to the restroom and my husband had asked me if I was going to be going to work today. I had taken two days off from work saying I had too many annual leave hours that I needed to use them before I lost them. That was a big lie because I had already turned in my letter of resignation a month ago, and my last official day had been on Tuesday. I told him I wasn’t going to go in that day either and he immediately knew something was up. He asked me what was going on and I didn’t know how to tell him what I was going to be doing but I was finally able to spit it out “I’m leaving. I’m going back home.” At first, he looked at me like I was crazy and asked me to repeat what I had said, so there I went again “I’m leaving you. I’m going back home. My dad is going to be picking me up at 10am.” And that’s where he reacted. He asked me if I was crazy, why was I doing this, did I realize that if I left that would definitely be the end of us, how could I not tell him, why was I taking away his daughter…the questions were endless. I just stood there, looking at him, gauging his reaction, thinking about whether my dad was finally going to see me with a busted lip or bruised eye (I had done a pretty good job of hiding them before). It didn’t happen. My husband got up from the bed, started getting dressed because he was going to be going to work (which he hadn’t done in months). Meanwhile he was crying and telling me to give him another chance. He asked me to think things through. He promised me that things would be different and that he was going to work on it. He begged me to not leave him alone and take his little girl away. All the while, I was standing at the foot of the bed, not able to even muster up a tear or two. I didn’t feel anything. I was completely hollow and literally blank. I explained to him that I had no job, I had already told all my family that I was leaving him, and my father was already on his way to go and pick me up. There was nothing else I could do.

I Surrender

     Life made sense today. While on my weekly drive to Freer, I had an epiphany of sorts. It's not too often when I have moments like that, but I was granted one today.
     Driving, as with writing and reading, is my escape. I love to drive. It doesn't matter whether it be within city limits or to other cities or states, I love to do it. While driving, I get to take a breather and reconnect with things I lost touch with a long time ago. On these trips, music is my only companion. It's way better than actually having a person with me. Usually they're either complaining about  my driving or trying to make small talk and I can't really focus on two things. It's either get to my destination or make intelligent conversation and I'm a fan of getting there in one piece.
     My moment this morning, came when I least expected it. I put in a CD that I hadn't listened to in a long time. I kinda avoided it, knowing certain memories were tied to it. I decided the time had come to finally face them head-on. Instead of being filled with longing and sadness, I was surprised to find that only relief and comfort were present. It was one of those moments where everything is crystal clear. Where you wanna embrace the feeling tightly, because you know it's not gonna hang around for too long. I actually wanted to cry. It's been a long time since I've cried, not necessarily because I've avoided it, but because I hadn't actually felt the want/need to do it. I didn't end up shedding a tear but my eyes did get watery...I guess that's progress.
     I realized that I am where I'm supposed to be. The situations that I've gone through, the lessons I've learned, the steps I've taken: they've all lead me to where I am now. It's a year. I MADE IT A YEAR. So, the final piece of the puzzle was put in its place today. It feels like I shed my shriveled, tired, dead skin on that highway this morning. I left the old me behind with the cacti and tumbleweeds; I let go of that burden I carried these past 365 days. The walls and barriers that were put in place for self-preservation came crashing down while on my journey to my destination. It was definitely a good morning. Life is good. 


*I know it must be annoying already, who cares about the year. Everyone goes through their own situations and face their own demons. The time has come for me to finally face and fight mine. Nothing is simple so I know hitting the year marker isn't going to be my only obstacle in life, but I see that while there will always be hardships, one should never shut down and turn a blind eye to the situation. I have started the healing process. Yay.

Daily Living-Part 2

"It'll be a year next Saturday."
She nods, "You made it, you're definitely out of that."


Yes I am. I did make it. I'm still standing.

Life's Lessons

*December is a huge month for me. Christmas is wonderful and everything but December marks a year since I took the biggest step in my life. I wrote this piece back in September and it's interesting to see how time changes things. Just wanted to share this.*

    
     Have you ever told yourself, if I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently? A lot of situations come to mind when I think of that sentence. Of course I would have done things differently. Hindsight is always 20/20, right? I wouldn’t think I’d be ready to write about a subject like this one for some time. Wounds are still open, but they’re the type of cuts that with just one tap they start oozing pus. Yeah, I would say they’re infected, but I’m constantly layering them with antibiotics and they’re on the mend. In a couple of days, it’ll be nine months since I started living this new life of mine. Nine months since I made the biggest decision of my life. People have told me it’s the best decision I’ve ever made, but no one knows what it’s been like to walk in my shoes. Of course, everyone might have an idea, but they’ll never really understand the difficulties or the heartbreak. Here it goes:
     Nine months ago, I was still married. Nine months ago, I was still the better half to someone else. I was still living with my husband of five years. Now, to be technical about it all, we were never legally married but I didn’t need to have that piece of paper to tell me that my life was intertwined with someone else’s. My husband was a huge part of my life.

Baby

My lil girl has a stuffed animal that she carries with her wherever she goes. This dog came into the picture out of sheer necessity. She was six-months-old and I was visiting Laredo. It was the first time my father was going to be meeting his first and only grand-daughter (sad, I know). It was June and the heat was already in full swing. My lil girl wasn't used to Laredo weather, having never been in the city before. It was suffice to say that she was having a very hard time adjusting and was very fussy. My room at the time was being used as storage and I was in desperate need of anything to entertain her so I chose this lil puppy that belonged to my sister-in-law. It had been given to her for Valentine's day and I guess it didn't meet her standards so she had it tossed out of her room. Giving it to my daughter was my salvation...it was love at first sight for her.

My First Cleaning Trolley

Notice the 'Girls Only' stamp...

While shopping at a local Dollar General, I ran into this nifty lil toy. I don't remember these existing back in the day. Dunno if I'm a fan or not. Even though, yes, my daughter would probably have a ball with this thing, I know I can't make myself buy her this thing. To each their own, I understand, but this ain't gonna be under my Christmas tree. By the way, it's a real steal at 12 bucks.

My Christmas Wish

     I love to read. Reading to me is the best thing in the entire world. Whenever I pick up a book, I know whether I’m gonna like it within reading the first page. If after the first page I continue, I’m hooked. I swear I won’t put that book down until it’s done.  I won’t feel like my life is complete until I have read the last word. It’s a quality that only I possess in my immediate family. My brothers find it a chore to read more than a paragraph and if it doesn’t have pictures, forget it. My mother makes me read and then summarize it for her so she doesn’t have to do it. My father doesn’t make the effort to pick up a book because he can’t make himself sit still long enough to read it. I am the only ‘nerd’ in the family.

     I can get addicted to a book so badly that I basically blur everything around me. The TV can be on, the radio, family can be talking around me, people can be walking by me, the ambulance could be passing by, and none of this do I notice. I swear it’s like I’m absorbed into the book. This is the main reason why, in the past three years, I haven’t been able to sit down and read a book in peace. With my daughter, I can’t exactly tune her out. Even if I really wanted too, she wouldn’t allow it. She’d make damn sure her presence would be acknowledged. So I haven't read comfortably in over three years but I've managed to steal a couple of moments here and there and read a book or two.

Mi Corazon

I have a heart. Granted it’s not perfect or pretty. It was torn apart and tossed in the garbage like a used up band-aid. I fought the urge to leave it there because it didn’t deserve such treatment. It got me into trouble in the first place; my head knew better than it did. But sometimes we have to take risks and so I decided this time I would follow what the heart wanted. Yeah, it didn’t turn out so well. So, in the end, there I went  scavenging through the nasty heap of trash only to find it had been shredded into a million pieces. I carefully took the time to search through every single discarded item but in the end, I wasn’t able to find all the parts. I carried this poor, sad pile of debris home, hoping that just maybe I would be able to get it to be whole in some way or another. Unfortunately, what I came up with didn’t make even half of the heart that I had before. Still, it’s something more than what I had a couple of months ago. So here I present to you…my sad, tortured, beaten, angry remnants of a heart. It’s as good as it’s going to get.

Oh Christmas Tree...

Yes, it's blurry, but you get the idea.

The tree is finally up. Usually it's already set up and put in its place by Thanksgiving..this year we were a little bit late. Still, we spent some quality family time yesterday and decorated it until it had its own personality. It's not perfect, the trunk curves in a weird way so it always looks crooked but we have the pleasure of having it be our Christmas tree this year. It'll patiently be waiting for Santa to make his yearly visit.

Should be Sleeping like a Log...Instead I'm Cooking

No, it's not maggots..it's my rice. Never comes out right but I think I did ok this time.

I found out something new today. I found that I can come home from a hard day's work and cook up a storm with great enthusiasm. There's just one thing I need to help me along with the cooking process...Beatles' music. Yes, the ever wonderful and amazing Beatles can help put me in the mood to make something out of whatever ingredients I can scrounge up in the kitchen. Don't get me wrong; I do like to cook. I don't mind it at all, but after a stressful day at work, there's nothing more I wanna do than come home and just sit in front of the TV and relax. How many times do I actually get a chance to do that? Honestly, maybe once a week, if that. More than half of the time I get home and my lil girl is bouncing off the walls waiting to hit the streets. Soooo I take her out to the park or whatever makes her happy. But today...today was different. I actually did sit down in front of the TV and almost fell asleep but then I heard "mommy, I'm hungry"....so much for a ten minute nap. So off to the kitchen I went in search of something to feed my lil one. Well, inspiration struck and I found that maybe I could cook up a decent meal today. I put on the Beatles and I put together a meal good enough to feed a king...well at least the jester, if anything. So I guess from now on, I'm going to have to turn to the Beatles more often to come up with a home-cooked meal for more than just once a week (yes, yes, I know...what kind of a mother am I.). Anyways...I cooked dinner tonight. Yay!! The Beatles come through one more time....

Daily Living- Part 1

'You need a man in your life.'


Umm...yea.....sure....uh-huh.

Carnival's in Town

The carnival's in town!!! Yes, I know it's been here for a while already, but I've never actually stopped by before since it is the miniature one. I always wait for the bigger carnival that arrives in February with the whole Washington birthday celebration hoopla. Seeing the carnival reminds me of the time when the main carnival was still at Life Downs, when dirt and the smell of horse poop went hand in hand. Ah the memories...

It's Been a Year

     I still remember the day. I was at the high school in Rio Grande City, attending to my work duties, and I received a phone call around 10:15am. I knew right away what it was about. I didn't listen to the voicemail until the student I was talking to had gone back to class. Walking away from the campus, getting into the security and privacy of my car, I listened to what my father was telling me...she was gone. I cried all the way back to the office, explained the situation to my supervisor, picked up my daughter at daycare, and drove back to Mission to prepare my things to come back home to Laredo. Losing my grandmother was a great loss to the family. She was the head of the whole clan and losing her was like losing our guide into the world...what would we do now? It's been a full year since she's been gone and it's still a hard thing to understand.
     My grandmother was unlike anyone I've ever known in my life. She was the type of women who was headstrong and determined yet very warm and loving with the people she adored and cherished. Whenever anyone would visit her, she'd make them feel as if their mere presence had made her whole day. As if she had been waiting the entire day for them. I remember she'd always call me 'mija hermosa' and her whole face would light up with her sincere and endearing smile. My grandmother was a private woman but when it came to it, she could make conversations with just about anyone. I would tag along with her on her 'mandados' and she could start talking to a lady at Super S about the bananas. We'd go to Narvaez and she would talk to another person about the long line and what carne was best for the tamales. We would head over to Alfredo Santos and she'd make conversation about the weather with the cashier. She was adorable, my grandmother was, and she was gracious to the point that many people liked her.

Quiero Un Color

   

     Ever heard of the game colores? Let me explain the game (if you haven't heard of it):
   
     A group of kids would sit in a circle and one would be designated La Viejita Inez (for a female) and El Viejito Andres (for a male). Inez/Andres would give the group a minute or two so each individual could choose a color. Inez/Andres would come back to the group, do a whole skit of knocking on an imaginary door, and ask the group if they had some colors. The group would ask what specific color he/she was looking for and Inez/Andres would then state the color they wanted. Whoever had the color had to get up and run around the house (or yard) and try to reach their seat before being caught by Inez/Andres. If they were successfully able to get back to their seat without being caught, they were safe. If they were caught, they would become the new designated Inez/Andres and the game would continue onward. 

Female Mind

     I recently read a book on how a single female can date four men at once. Each man would serve a purpose in her life. The whole concept of this certain ‘equation’ would be so that the woman can grow as a person yet at the same time, always have a man by her side. It was an interesting read, to say the very least, and it did open my eyes to a couple of things.
     It’s safe to say that the main point to this book isn’t necessarily to find a soul-mate, more than anything, it’s so that the woman can develop into an independent being and find security in herself. That is the mission: to find the true underlying individual and help her blossom and butterfly into whom she is meant to be. Often times, women try to find their value through the eyes of a man, because they think that with a man’s approval, it means that they are actually worth something. That is absolutely not true. Women who base themselves on how many men ‘like’ them, get lost as to the whole purpose of the picture: one has to love his/her self first before anyone else can. It’s one of the hardest lessons to understand and an even harder goal to attain. It’s easier to base one on what other people say. Appreciating who one is as a person, inside and outside, is a very daunting task. It’s one of the most hard-fought battles out there. Having to look into oneself and accepting every single flaw is definitely a hard pill to swallow. That’s why so many avoid attempting to take that medicine. I’d have to say it’s a journey worth taking.

Retrato

It’s ridiculous the emotions a picture can conjure up.  A simple photograph with nothing but two smiling faces. A depiction of a moment frozen in time, when everything seemed untouchable and indestructible. It’s hard to imagine how a piece of paper can make you want to cry and long for the past. But life has a funny way of being irreversible, which in the long run is the best option. Oh well…

Scary Pumpkin

All my pumpkins prior to this year's creation had been fairly plain. This year, I decided to try and think out of the box and carve something a bit more daunting. Okay, okay, the carving kit I bought had this scary stencil I just had to trace onto my pumpkin..potatoes, patatoes! Still, I have to say, it came out very nice...even though it is kinda hard to distinguish what it is...

Big League Chew

On a recent trip out of town, I ran into this nifty little piece of gum. I remember being sevens-year-old
and buying this candy just because I wanted to feel like I was part of the big leagues. First off, I have
never really played baseball. Second, I don't really even follow the sport on TV (doing it now just because
the Cowboys aren't doing so well). Third, I remember only ever buying this gum once or twice. Sooo, when I ran
into this blast from the past, I thought I should buy it just for the sake of nostalgia. I haven't opened it
 and i don't really want to because it's not really found here in Laredo; but I am curious as to how it tastes.
We'll see what happens with that but I will say this...it's nice to see the old candy every once in a while. Anyone
seen Astro Pops since the eighties? I'd sure be interested in seeing that one....

Laredo, Tejas

I live in a fabulous little city. Well, it can’t really be considered little nowadays, it’s gotten a bit bigger then when I was a child running around our unpaved streets. Most people who were born and raised here and haven’t had the chance to live elsewhere would say this city is boring. That it has no charm or character. Well I’m proud to say I’m not one of those individuals. I was born and raised in this city of mine but I have had the chance to live in another state and another city. There really is no place like home. Laredo has its drawbacks…lack of a variety of entertainment, politics are questionable (but then again, where isn’t it), and people are more close-minded than other places. Yet this is where I was brought up and my family resides here; they always have and probably always will. Laredo to me represents the childhood I had; the adventures I’d get into, the ambiance, and most importantly the community in which I was raised. I remember as a child running around the street in front of our house. It wasn’t paved and it had some pretty sharp rocks, but they didn’t deter me from running around in high speeds. Now, I try to walk on my paved street and I can’t go farther than a couple of steps (I only do this when I forget something from my car and I’m too lazy to go and put on my shoes). I don’t really remember when the street was finally paved but I know that we ran around barefoot on that street for quite a while.

 Across from where I lived, there was a head-start that had a playground. The first chance we’d get, we’d jump the fence and go and play on the swings, slides, and merry-go-round. My brothers, cousin, and I would make sure to jump into the shadows whenever we saw a car pass by. Our parents told us that we’d get arrested if we were seen there. That didn’t scare us at all. My father even went as far to tell me that the devil lived in one of the buildings of the head-start. I still went; just made sure to leave way before it got dark (I didn’t want to risk the story being true). We weren’t doing anything wrong. There were a couple of times when the gates would be left unlocked…I’m not sure whether it was intentional or not but we took full advantage of it. This was the same head-start that I attended when I was younger and I have absolutely no recollection of being taken out to play out there. All the fun I had there was when I was finally in elementary…even in middle school, why bother lying.

'I Still Love You'

It’s crazy how those words would’ve meant something a couple of months ago. A couple of months ago, they would’ve made my heart skip a couple of beats. A couple of months they would’ve made my freakin’ day. Today…they just made me smirk a little. It wasn’t a smile. It was a slight tilt of my mouth and it brought about a sigh…if only it had been a couple of months ago. I don’t really spend time thinking about that part of my life. I used to…a lot actually. There wasn’t a day that it wouldn’t cross my mind. There wasn’t a second that I breathed and it didn’t hurt. I carried around a lot of hurt, resentment, regret, and a huge load of anger. It wasn’t such a nice purse to tote around. Until today, I didn’t realize how I had lost that bag some time ago. I didn’t know I had made such progress…until I heard those words today. “Todavia te amo”…I didn’t feel anything but a sad twang where my heart used to be. Apparently, I came to find today, I guess I put my heart into that same purse that I lost a while ago. Now I’m just void of emotions. It works for me. Nothing really bothers me or hurts me. People tell me things and open up to me and I can scrape up some sense of empathy but really when they’re done speaking, it all goes out the window for me. I’m not a bad person; it’s just what’s been working for me right now. I know eventually I’ll hit a wall and I’ll be forced to face it all. I guess that’s the day when I’ll visit a counselor…to help me ‘evaluate’ my life. Sure, I’m alright with that…when the day arrives. As for today and those words, it’s too little too late. I don’t know what reaction he expected. Maybe for me to swoon and gush over how I still loved him too and missed him a lot. Yea, that’s not true and it’s not happening. There are some messes that are just too big to sweep under the rug. Oh well…maybe that purse went to join my three suitcases; I bet they’re having a blast…at least someone is.

Baggage

It all fit in three suitcases. All of it. Five years later, and everything fit in three medium-size suitcases. They weren't even nice looking. They weren't expensive, they had been bought at thrift stores somewhere in the world. Who knows who had owned them before. Who knows what faraway lands those bags traveled, what they had carried, why they were discarded. Maybe it was because they had been replaced by newer, nicer, name brand luggage. And these three cases were now lying on a bed; being filled to the brim with miscellaneous items, many of which didn't have any importance at the time. Was this the whole purpose of their existence? To carry a woman's and her child's material items three hours away? When their maximum capacity was reached, they were zipped tightly with the hope that they wouldn't burst open. That was all the woman needed; to have her meager belongings strewn all over the yard. But these three pieces of luggage did their duty, they held strong and managed to carry their load all the way back to reality. When they finally reached their destination, they were relieved of their duty. They were stored away, far away from this woman's gaze because they symbolized a painful period in her life. So, these three, medium-sized bags were hidden, never to be seen again. Five years of her life fit in those three suitcases...who would have known it was possible.

October

 I absolutely loooooove Halloween. It's not necessarily the holiday, as much fun as it is, it's more of the feeling of the month of October. It's a family thing, the whole Halloween time period. As young as I can remember, my father would make us Halloween parties. He'd use the excuse that my brother's and my birthday was at the end of Septemeber in order to push it into October and use a Halloween theme. It was always his way of showing his affection for us, considering that he never told us "I love you" or hugged/kissed us. Halloween was his way of expressing  his adoration for my brothers and I. Since then, Halloween has been engraved in our minds as a time of family and a chance to re-tell old family ghost stories. I have a vague memory of being a baby, sitting on a table outside in my grandmother's yard and having the whole family together telling ghost stories. I don't really know why i was scared, considering that I couldn't have understood what they were talking about, but it was the feeling of terror that stuck with me all through the years. I found out later that my parents didn't even spend the night in our own home because they were so scared to be there by themselves. Turns out a lot of family members spend the night at my grandmother's that night.
These stories that are told by my father and other family members are stories that I have heard countless of times. Over and over and over, it'll be the same ones that started off the whole family's fascination with ghosts, goblins, and devils. It never fails that every single time we get together to have our family 'spook-fest' we always get scared. For some reason, at that very moment, we all hear things or see shadows that had never been there before. Who knows, maybe with every single ghost story telling we're opening the doors to the netherworld. I can say though, it's always fun and exciting whenever we get together. I have to make it a point to write out some of those stories, just for the sheer purpose of having written record that they existed.
It's just the beginning of the best time of the year.

He's Alive!!!!

     Why is it that we often take on projects that are so time consuming? Not only do they take up precious time, it’s a lot of emotional effort to try and make them look like a cohesive, attract thing. I’m referring to taking on human projects. It’s long been known that women like to chose men (or women) that are damaged in order to try and fix them up. It’s commonly referred to as the ‘bad boy’ personality but it doesn’t necessarily have to be that. It’s just a person that is so emotionally scarred that attracts a woman to him and the woman takes it as her job to try and make him better. I don’t understand how the whole concept works but I know I’ve fallen into that cycle. I’ve been there before a whole bunch of times and the end result is: yea, you change the person for the better but someone else reaps the benefits. It will never be you.

     I have countless friends that fall into this type of cycle. They meet a man and they fall for their broken hearts and their shattered dreams. They try and put him back together all the while they lose themselves in the whole debacle. It’s just so like them…men who take more than they ever give. I'm overgeneralizing, I know, but this is my spin on the situation. First hand account of the woman playing Frankenstein and they really do end up making a monster. (haha, what with Halloween being around the corner).

It's Alrite, It's Okay, I'm Going to Make it Another Day

     I don’t give myself enough credit for being the person that I am today. The fact that I haven’t been able to internalize everything that I’ve been through, stops me from fully accepting myself as a strong individual. Whenever I start thinking about what I went through and how I’m managed to get out of it, I stop myself from feeling proud by thinking that I’m not the only one who has ever gone through this. There are many, many women who have been in my shoes before. But I’m not them. They’re not me. We’re all different and I have to understand that what I’m managed to do with my life is an awesome thing. The fact that I haven’t turned back, even when the chance was there, I didn’t do it. I have continued to walk forward and even though I’ve tripped and fallen along the way, I’ve gotten pretty far.
     I’ve always been a pretty serious person. I’ve always considered myself pretty reserved and conservative and part of it comes from my upbringing. The other part comes from the reality that it’s my nature to be such a person. I’m not a wild child, even though I have been rebellious and curious in my yesteryear, that was part of growing up. Now as a mature adult, I should know better. My only excuse is the fact that I still haven’t dealt with my past. To be completely honest, I've completely detached myself from having any connection with the male species. I guess the whole reason as to why I haven’t found someone who will be the 'right one' is the fact that I haven’t yet found out who I am. The only thing that I do understand is that I’m a strong woman. I had the chance to go back to my ex and I’m not going to lie, there were a variety of times when I thought it would be the best thing for me. I tried to picture myself living that life again and I just couldn’t do it. I don’t deserve that. I’m not whole, point has already been made, but I know I’m more put together than I have been in a long time. 
     I remember sitting on his mother’s porch and looking around at his family members. I never thought I was better than anyone of them, but I knew I wanted something different. I didn’t want to carry the look of defeat they all carried. I didn’t want to settle and deal with what was handed to me. I wanted to continue to fight, to struggle for something better. I knew I deserved it. When I thought about going back, I knew I wasn’t going to fit in anymore. I never did in the first place because they had long ago given up at being happy. They had long ago given up their hope at a better tomorrow. That has been something that I have never given up: hope. I think that’s the main thing that helped me stay with my ex for so many years. I had hope that things would change, that they would get better. Sometimes hope just makes you a little too blind and it makes you overlook things that you should really be paying attention to.
     I got out. I left that life. I left it all behind and decided to take life by the horns and fucking ride the shit out of it. I haven’t really been doing that, now have I. I want my life in order. I want to be financial sound and ready for my future with my child. I want to be strong enough to understand that there will always be hiccups along the road to happiness but that everything works out in the end. I never thought, for the life of me, that I would be rid of my ex. I thought he was going to make my life a living hell. I will not let that happen. I will be happy and I will be optimistic about my future and my life. I deserve good things in life because I know I’m a good person. I have always been putting others before me, and now it’s expected what with my daughter and all but i will be strong and stand up for what I want in life.
     I will be okay. I am okay. I will survive because after all that I have been through, it’s just too fucking late to lay down and die. I will not give up hope, I will not give in, I will be stronger and wiser as I continue forward. Time heals all wounds and I most certainly will recover from this as well. My shield will come down. I will allow myself the opportunity to expect nice things for myself and for my child. I will be positive and happy and give thanks where it should be given because without Him, nothing would be possible. Without Him, I would not have been allowed the opportunity to live again, to be born with the chance of a more beautiful tomorrow. So, in the end, yes, I have made mistakes along the way since I was freed but I will open my eyes more. My footsteps will still be cautious and soft but I will be taking them forward and will bring my wall down. I know things will get better and I will be happy. I am okay. I am doing well. I will be okay. We will be just fine.

Self

It’s oblivion at its best

Floating through the mist of a reality that’s vague

Eyes wide open but with a glance so hollow

If it were all to be so damn easy

How nice it would be to exist without existing

Breathing is a necessity

Feeling is but an inconvenience

Would it all be worth while

Where’s the need

What’s the point

If only the detachment could be permanent

Oh what bliss it would be

Welcome One and All

I'd like to welcome you on this little trip you're taking with me. Usually, I know this type of information is found on the 'about me' section, but I didn't want to do it like that. I wanted to give you an overview of what I'm hoping to achieve with this blog of mine. Well, not really achieve, I guess it would be more like accomplish. It's a self-rewarding thing, this whole blogging thing, and to me it's no different. This blog will probably not make much of an impact in this world but it'll make a huge transformation for me. It'll be a written record of my walk through life.
As for the title of my blog, well I heard it in a movie. It was a quote that stood out and I thought "well, why not?" I consider myself a piece of furniture in a lot of people's lives. My being there doesn't always compliment the other person, but it makes a difference in their life. It might be for the best, it might be for the worse, but at the end of it all I made a difference. It's just like furniture in general. Some furniture doesn't look right together but once you get used to the pairing, it makes sense. Some prints might clash and make the decorum look chaotic, other times you have a serene setting all due to the chosen furniture. Furniture makes the home...well at least in my opinion it does.
So, once again, welcome. Hope you enjoy the ride.